Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

In This Section

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Late Night

Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

ATHENS, GA—Anger, shock, and feelings of intense awkwardness were just some of the reactions in the Helstein household Tuesday as Jeremy Helstein, 46, scolded his 17-year-old daughter Erica for allegedly wearing "next to nothing."

Athens-area high-school junior Erica Helstein, right out in public.

"This is my house, young lady," Helstein told the oldest of his three children—whom he says has lived by his rules ever since she was born and will continue to do so as long as she's under his roof—during the emotionally charged confrontation. "If you think you're going out dressed like that, you've got another thing coming, I'll tell you right now. For Christ's sake, everyone can see all the way from here to Timbuktu."

Despite efforts at mediation by his wife Clara, Helstein said he has no plans to rescind his condemnation of his daughter's outfit, a white cotton tank-top and snug-fitting jeans that "leave nothing to the imagination."

According to family members who witnessed the dispute, Erica responded to the allegations with severe sulking, angrily stomping out of the living room and violently slamming the bathroom door.

The high-school junior has denied the charges, admitting that the tank top exposes her shoulders and back but contending that it is not inappropriate Friday-night attire for someone who will be graduating from high school in less than a year.

She also claimed that Helstein, a furniture-warehouse manager and avid fisherman, "never lets her do anything" and is a "big, mean jerk bent on ruining [her] social life."

"It's totally no fair, because I've seen pictures of Mom from when Dad first married her, and she's got on these miniskirts and halter tops," Erica said shortly after the incident. "But when I said that to him, he just said, 'That was different,' and told me not to talk about my own mother that way, whatever that means. What a retard."

Following the accusations, Erica was forbidden to leave the house until she put some clothes on and warned that if she continued to "sass back," she may also find herself grounded for the next two weekends. She was also denied use of the family car.

"And another thing," Helstein reportedly yelled at the locked bathroom door, "when you come out of there, you'd just better have a goddamn bra on or there'll be hell to pay."

Although the dispute marked the family's worst incident of attire-related domestic instability in recent memory, it was not the first to cause unrest within the Helstein household. In May 1997, tensions ran high when Erica's father forbade her to buy a neon-pink string bikini she had found on sale at the nearby Northway Mall, calling the purchase "absolutely out of the question" and leaving her with nothing to wear to a birthday/pool party to which she had been invited.

As Erica has repeatedly reminded family and friends, he also refused to let her wear make-up until she was 15, and still complains on a near-nightly basis that she wears too much eyeliner, on one occasion even stating that her eye shadow looked "caked-on." She also noted that Helstein refused to allow her to go steady until she was a junior and once withheld her weekly allowance for two whole months after she came home a measly hour and a half late from a date with varsity swim-team member Joey Evantine.

Jeremy Helstein, 46

Tensions between the two camps continued to mount throughout the 1998-99 school year, especially after Helstein wouldn't let Erica wear thigh-high socks, even though, as Erica noted, "practically all the girls were wearing them." Helstein also frequently voiced disapproval when Erica wore tank tops which revealed her bra straps, claiming she looks "like she's in her damn underwear."

Despite these ongoing conflicts, however, the situation had been relatively contained since March, with no major outbreaks for almost three months prior to Tuesday's resumed hostilities. Some observers within the home, notably mother Clara and younger brother Chuck, say this peacetime period may have been due to Erica's persistent hope that Helstein will break down and finally buy her a black Dodge Neon.

"After the way she spoke to her father tonight, though, I don't think she ought to hold her breath," Clara said. "She's on thin ice with him, that one is."

Following the explosive wardrobe-selection conflict, Erica spent an estimated 45 minutes in the locked bathroom before emerging in a bulky sweater and loose overalls to ask for the car keys. After driving to her friend Sara Armitage's house, she then changed back into her previous outfit, which she had brought along concealed in a large handbag, before going out for the night. Anonymous lunchroom sources allege that three hours later, Erica went to third base with senior Peter Koechley in the back seat of his car, though the reports could not be confirmed as of press time.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More