adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Doctor: 'Mylanta'

BOSTON—Area gastroenterologist John Kleemer said "Mylanta" this week, according to patient Stanley Thurlong, 49, a longtime heartburn and painful acid indigestion sufferer. "My doctor said Mylanta," Thurlong told reporters Monday at a press conference at the Val-U-Sav Pharmacy where he purchased the non-prescription medication. Liz Nathan, Kleemer's secretary, confirmed the report. "Dr. Kleemer said 'Mylanta,'" she said.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close