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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

HENNIKER, NH—Sources within the Cafferty household confirmed that at approximately 8 a.m. Friday the family awoke, peered out their kitchen window, and saw what was, unmistakably, the first lady of the United States kneeling in their backyard garden and humming softly to herself as she tended to a patch of heirloom tomatoes. "Look, she's wearing a big gardening hat, and I think she's planting kale or something," whispered Adam Cafferty, 43, who at one point made prolonged eye contact with Michelle Obama before she smiled broadly and returned to pulling out weeds. "That cucumber plant was definitely not there before. How long has she been out there?" Upon standing up and surveying her work, Obama reportedly gave the Caffertys a friendly wave, calmly walked around to their neighbor’s yard, and began working on the next garden.

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