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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

HENNIKER, NH—Sources within the Cafferty household confirmed that at approximately 8 a.m. Friday the family awoke, peered out their kitchen window, and saw what was, unmistakably, the first lady of the United States kneeling in their backyard garden and humming softly to herself as she tended to a patch of heirloom tomatoes. "Look, she's wearing a big gardening hat, and I think she's planting kale or something," whispered Adam Cafferty, 43, who at one point made prolonged eye contact with Michelle Obama before she smiled broadly and returned to pulling out weeds. "That cucumber plant was definitely not there before. How long has she been out there?" Upon standing up and surveying her work, Obama reportedly gave the Caffertys a friendly wave, calmly walked around to their neighbor’s yard, and began working on the next garden.

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