Area Family Likes Car So Much They Live In It

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Family

The First Years

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustom...

Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sour...

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday.
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Family

The First Years

Area Family Likes Car So Much They Live In It

ST. PAUL, MN—Single mother of three Janis Cullen is so pleased with her 1990 Pontiac 6000LE wagon that, after her family moved out of their home in late 2003, they took up residence in the car.

The Pontiac 6000LE comfortably houses the Cullen family and their gear.

"We don't have anywhere to go," said Cullen, running her fingers over her wagon's puce interior. "We stayed with friends and family until they didn't want us around anymore. Guess I can't say I blame them."

The roomy interior of the midsize five-door wagon easily seats six, and since October, when Cullen's husband of more than 12 years disappeared, the family has had plenty of cabin space. Peter, 7, and Sam, 6, generally share the backseat, leaving Janis and 15-month-old Tiffany the reclining bucket seats with adjustable headrests up front.

"I was worried when Joe disappeared," Cullen said. "I figured he was dead. I cried for weeks. Then I found out he's in Bemidji. He's got some girlfriend, I guess, half his age, who gives him money."

"When I can afford to gas up this thing all the way, we'll drive up there," Cullen added.

While she likes her Pontiac's smooth handling, Cullen is absolutely gaga for the neatly designed driver-side pop-out cup holder, which is a perfect place to store her Mace. She also loves the double sun visors, which help shield the family from the glare of sunrise and make a "pretty workable" place to hang clothes to dry.

Ironically, given the wagon's smooth handling, power steering, and antilock brakes, Cullen spends more time in "park" than she does in "drive."

"Lately we've been parking close to the steel mill," Cullen said. "The boys like looking at the fire, and I feel safer in a lot that's got some security. We used to park behind the Old Thyme Grille until a hooker threatened Sam with a syringe full of bleach. She said she was going to squeeze it in his eyes. "

Cullen added: "She should go to hell for talking to a kid like that."

The winters get cold in St. Paul, but the Cullen family is always nice and toasty in their wagon's molded, upholstered cab. Two adjustable air and heating vents in the rear-center console keep the kids toasty in back, allowing Cullen and her guests to put up the privacy sheet without hoarding all the heat up front. And according to Peter, the cigarette lighter "works as a hand warmer, once you let it cool." The Pontiac 6000LE also features power windows in those two that still work.

"We run the heat for an hour and then we leave the doors closed," Peter said. "After lights-out, you're not allowed to open the door no matter what, unless you want a spanking."

"Uncle Jay spanks hardest," added Sam, referring to Jay Promo, a friend of Cullen's. "He spanks too hard. He spanked me once and I couldn't sit on my hiney for two days, until he belted me down."

The center-front armrest with storage gives the clan plenty of room for necessities, allowing them to use their ample rear cargo-storage space for irreplaceable heirlooms, Tiffany, and a single change of clothes each.

"We got TP right here," said Sam, opening the armrest and scooping up a handful of McDonald's napkins and an empty 20-ounce Gatorade bottle. "The bottle's for emergencies."

The hanger hooks, glove compartment, dual door bins, and rear-seat book pockets are also handy catchalls for items that the Cullen family members were able to salvage from their former home. "I put my Hot Wheels car in the ashtray," Peter said. "The little window melted when Uncle Jay put out his cigarette on it. But I fixed that, though. See? I put a plastic bag in the window, just like in our car."

Cullen gave the bucket seats high marks for resilience.

"I delivered Tiffany right there," Cullen said. "You can see the stains on the floor mat and glove compartment."

Whether the product of compassionate, socially conscious Pontiac auto designers, or simple serendipity, few cars surpass the 6000LE for ultra-convenient amenities and options. Detroit, take note: More vehicles could stand to follow the 1990 Pontiac's lead.

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