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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare

YUMA, AZ—Ever mindful of the skyrocketing cost of medical care, members of the Skolnick family told reporters Friday that the household sets aside a little from each paycheck so that if the time ever comes, they’ll be able to blow it all on a single health scare. “You never know when you may have to pointlessly throw away every penny you’ve got on a round of medical tests that all come back negative,” said Paula Skolnick, 48, noting that while the family is far from rich, they are prepared for thousands of dollars to be drained from their savings the moment one of them presents symptoms that look very much like, but turn out not to be, cancer or heart disease. “We’re making little sacrifices every day to ensure we have a future in which all of our hard-earned money can be spent on surgery to remove a tumor that we later find out was completely benign.” The mother of two added that should someone in her family actually develop a serious illness, she and her husband would of course not be able to afford the treatment.

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