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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare

YUMA, AZ—Ever mindful of the skyrocketing cost of medical care, members of the Skolnick family told reporters Friday that the household sets aside a little from each paycheck so that if the time ever comes, they’ll be able to blow it all on a single health scare. “You never know when you may have to pointlessly throw away every penny you’ve got on a round of medical tests that all come back negative,” said Paula Skolnick, 48, noting that while the family is far from rich, they are prepared for thousands of dollars to be drained from their savings the moment one of them presents symptoms that look very much like, but turn out not to be, cancer or heart disease. “We’re making little sacrifices every day to ensure we have a future in which all of our hard-earned money can be spent on surgery to remove a tumor that we later find out was completely benign.” The mother of two added that should someone in her family actually develop a serious illness, she and her husband would of course not be able to afford the treatment.

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