adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Father Beginning To Suspect 3-Year-Old A Real Ding-Dong

CLEVELAND—Local dad Kevin Marshall, 29, began to voice concerns Monday that his 3-year-old son Bryant might be a real ding-dong, household sources confirmed. “I don’t know about that kid. Starting to look like there's not much going on upstairs,” said Marshall of the 3-year-old whom he called a turkey, a dingus, and a real dud. “Sometimes I just want to say, ‘Hello! Knock, knock, you dope. Anyone home?’ I think we may have a real lemon on our hands.” Marshall confirmed that his son is “a real sweet kid, though.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close