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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy

SCHAUMBURG, IL— Father of five Don Knutsen, 39, can still recall a time not too long ago when he would have instantly dismissed the thought of lacing his family's lunch with Rohypnol and burning the house down with everyone inside as "crazy." "Just a year ago, that would have seemed pretty out there, all right," Knutsen told reporters as he tried to settle down his overexcited four-year-olds, Beth and Rogan, while his wife, Maude, informed him that the light in the bathroom was still broken. "These days, I usually don't make it to five o'clock before I notice we have five gallons of gas just sitting there in the garage." Although he does not currently have the time or money to seek counseling, Knutsen said he will certainly contact the authorities if he begins having murder-suicide fantasies in which his family does not die painlessly.

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