adBlockCheck

Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy

SCHAUMBURG, IL— Father of five Don Knutsen, 39, can still recall a time not too long ago when he would have instantly dismissed the thought of lacing his family's lunch with Rohypnol and burning the house down with everyone inside as "crazy." "Just a year ago, that would have seemed pretty out there, all right," Knutsen told reporters as he tried to settle down his overexcited four-year-olds, Beth and Rogan, while his wife, Maude, informed him that the light in the bathroom was still broken. "These days, I usually don't make it to five o'clock before I notice we have five gallons of gas just sitting there in the garage." Although he does not currently have the time or money to seek counseling, Knutsen said he will certainly contact the authorities if he begins having murder-suicide fantasies in which his family does not die painlessly.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close