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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic Pauline Kael would say about Cookie's Fortune. "Considering what a big Altman fan Pauline Kael is, I'd say she would find Cookie's Fortune to be a worthy entry in the director's oeuvre, a film whose rich emotional tapestry and eye for Southern detail more than make up for what it lacks in narrative thrust," Kuenn said. "Then again, as evidenced by her infamous panning of Alain Resnais' Hiroshima, Mon Amour, Kael always relished playing the role of devil's advocate, so perhaps she would deliberately go against the grain on this one." Kael could not be reached for comment.

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