Area Ford Taurus Thinks It Could've Made It In NASCAR If It Had Started Earlier

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Vol 47 Issue 48

In Theory

Showtime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Adventurous philosophy professor Jane Theory is a sexual dynamo whose intellectual musings during intercourse help her many partners reach epiphanies and orgasms they never dreamed possible.

Cain Drops Out

After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency.

Wife Hoarders

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Area Ford Taurus Thinks It Could've Made It In NASCAR If It Had Started Earlier

FREMONT, IN—Calling the stock cars in NASCAR "not all that special," a local used 2002 Ford Taurus told reporters Monday it could have made it onto the professional circuit had it started racing when it was younger. "If your owner has you racing from the day you come off the lot, it's not a guarantee you'll make it pro, but you certainly have an advantage over most cars," said the dark red Taurus with 88,000 miles and a small dent near the passenger door handle. "I was always naturally talented, but that talent needed to be honed and finessed. If I'd been at the track from day one I'd be talking to you from the Brickyard 400 right now instead of this driveway in the suburbs, that's for sure." Upon completing its statement, the Taurus was started by its 74-year-old owner, Sue Hampton, left to warm up for a couple minutes, and driven down to the outlet mall.

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