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Area Freak Hides In Cave

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Area Freak Hides In Cave

'Look Away, I Am An Abomination,' He Says

Freak Richard Milk (inset) has been hiding in a Bauton-area cave since being shunned from his village at age 19. He returned briefly Thursday to buy groceries, but was denied when the store refused to accept animal pelts and dried berries in exchange for
Freak Richard Milk (inset) has been hiding in a Bauton-area cave since being shunned from his village at age 19. He returned briefly Thursday to buy groceries, but was denied when the store refused to accept animal pelts and dried berries in exchange for

Long-missing Bauton resident Richard Milk, a former potter turned freak, returned late Thursday night to stock up on supplies. Milk, 36, has been living in a cave since his self-imposed exile.

“I come in the dead of night to avoid those who would shun me!” an agitated Milk said. “I want for nothing save enough supplies so that I need never show my face to humanity again! Don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Hideous, I tell you!”

Milk appeared at Bauton’s Gasss-Up, a convenience store located on Union Street, at approximately 11:30 p.m. He was loaded down with various pelts and dried berries. While on the premises, he gathered as many snack foods, canned products, and olives as he could hold, all the while keeping his head down and ducking into shadows.

“I was sure that he was some pervert,” clerk Gina Kaliwictz said. “I was getting ready to call the cops. But when I saw his face, I was stunned. It was not my life that I feared for, but rather for all people should this man be let loose into society.”

When Kaliwictz refused to accept the stack of uncured pelts and berries as payment for Milk’s purchase, Milk ran from the store with tears of rejection streaming down his face.

“My hideous visage and banshee voice should not be experienced by anyone,” shrieked Milk. “Go away! Go now or I shall let flow the boiling oil!”

Milk, whose features have been described as “somewhat unpleasant,” left his family at age 19 to live in one of the many caves which dot the town’s surrounding hills. There, he has set up a modest living space consisting of a pile of dank rags and a spoon.

“My spoon understands my pain!” Milk said. “My spoon is my only friend! I call him Roundy the spoon, and we are friends. Now leave! Leave me to my eternal suffering and misery!”

One person, 8-year-old Bauton resident Amanda Golden, attempted to befriend Milk by taking some fresh baked cookies to his cave. Less than a minute after entering the cave, she emerged screaming, her face contorted with terror.

“Mommy said that there was no such thing as a monster,” she said with a blanket wrapped around her trembling body. “Now I know that she lied.”

According to sources close to the family, Golden has been unable to sleep without a light since the incident.

Milk’s mother, Anita, was surprised to hear that her son was still alive.

“Richard was always a bright and compassionate boy,” Anita Milk said. “He knew better than anyone that he was an abomination, unfit for society. Why he hasn’t killed himself yet is a mystery to me.”

Bauton has contended with freaks in the past. However, since the 1987 repeal of a 100-year-old law permitting the killing of “those who offend the eye in profound ways,” Bauton has wrestled with how to deal with them.

A town meeting is scheduled for next week, during which community members will decide whether to hunt Milk down and kill him, or to exploit him.

If Bauton goes ahead with full-blown exploitation, the most popular plan among townspeople calls for the sealing of Milk’s cave with iron bars. Visitors would then be charged $5 to throw either pies or rocks at his face. Another option is to capture and sell Milk to the circus, which could yield upwards of $500 for the cash-strapped town.

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