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Area Freak Hides In Cave

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

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Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Area Freak Hides In Cave

'Look Away, I Am An Abomination,' He Says

Freak Richard Milk (inset) has been hiding in a Bauton-area cave since being shunned from his village at age 19. He returned briefly Thursday to buy groceries, but was denied when the store refused to accept animal pelts and dried berries in exchange for
Freak Richard Milk (inset) has been hiding in a Bauton-area cave since being shunned from his village at age 19. He returned briefly Thursday to buy groceries, but was denied when the store refused to accept animal pelts and dried berries in exchange for

Long-missing Bauton resident Richard Milk, a former potter turned freak, returned late Thursday night to stock up on supplies. Milk, 36, has been living in a cave since his self-imposed exile.

“I come in the dead of night to avoid those who would shun me!” an agitated Milk said. “I want for nothing save enough supplies so that I need never show my face to humanity again! Don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Hideous, I tell you!”

Milk appeared at Bauton’s Gasss-Up, a convenience store located on Union Street, at approximately 11:30 p.m. He was loaded down with various pelts and dried berries. While on the premises, he gathered as many snack foods, canned products, and olives as he could hold, all the while keeping his head down and ducking into shadows.

“I was sure that he was some pervert,” clerk Gina Kaliwictz said. “I was getting ready to call the cops. But when I saw his face, I was stunned. It was not my life that I feared for, but rather for all people should this man be let loose into society.”

When Kaliwictz refused to accept the stack of uncured pelts and berries as payment for Milk’s purchase, Milk ran from the store with tears of rejection streaming down his face.

“My hideous visage and banshee voice should not be experienced by anyone,” shrieked Milk. “Go away! Go now or I shall let flow the boiling oil!”

Milk, whose features have been described as “somewhat unpleasant,” left his family at age 19 to live in one of the many caves which dot the town’s surrounding hills. There, he has set up a modest living space consisting of a pile of dank rags and a spoon.

“My spoon understands my pain!” Milk said. “My spoon is my only friend! I call him Roundy the spoon, and we are friends. Now leave! Leave me to my eternal suffering and misery!”

One person, 8-year-old Bauton resident Amanda Golden, attempted to befriend Milk by taking some fresh baked cookies to his cave. Less than a minute after entering the cave, she emerged screaming, her face contorted with terror.

“Mommy said that there was no such thing as a monster,” she said with a blanket wrapped around her trembling body. “Now I know that she lied.”

According to sources close to the family, Golden has been unable to sleep without a light since the incident.

Milk’s mother, Anita, was surprised to hear that her son was still alive.

“Richard was always a bright and compassionate boy,” Anita Milk said. “He knew better than anyone that he was an abomination, unfit for society. Why he hasn’t killed himself yet is a mystery to me.”

Bauton has contended with freaks in the past. However, since the 1987 repeal of a 100-year-old law permitting the killing of “those who offend the eye in profound ways,” Bauton has wrestled with how to deal with them.

A town meeting is scheduled for next week, during which community members will decide whether to hunt Milk down and kill him, or to exploit him.

If Bauton goes ahead with full-blown exploitation, the most popular plan among townspeople calls for the sealing of Milk’s cave with iron bars. Visitors would then be charged $5 to throw either pies or rocks at his face. Another option is to capture and sell Milk to the circus, which could yield upwards of $500 for the cash-strapped town.

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