Area Friend's Artwork Totally Amazing

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

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Area Friend's Artwork Totally Amazing

BOZEMAN, MT—Awed by her boundless imagination and dazzling technique, Tony Eisen declared the artwork of friend and Montana State University art student Heather Dunne "totally amazing" Monday.

Tony Eisen with friend Heather Dunne's latest piece.

"Heather's stuff is completely mind-blowing," said Eisen, who saw Dunne's latest acrylic painting, Patiently Hysterical, while returning a borrowed CD to her apartment Sunday afternoon. "I've never seen anything like it. It's like she's got this whole universe of her own in her head, and it comes out in her work."

Eisen, who said Dunne's work deals primarily with "themes of madness and altered consciousness and all this other totally out-there stuff," met the artist in September 1997 in a poetry class. Less than a month later, Eisen was invited to Dunne's apartment to view an extensive collection of the then-sophomore's acrylic paintings, magazine-clipping collages, and what Dunne calls "recovered-object pieces."

"Heather took this one '70s portable TV that somebody threw away, and right on the screen, she painted a war scene with tanks and soldiers," Eisen said. "It was this really deep statement about the media and war and, like, how the government's priorities in this country are all fucked-up, and we just watch it all on TV."

"That's what's so incredible about Heather's work: It really makes you think," Eisen said. "She'll take an everyday object and make you see it in a totally new and different way."

Dunne first began nurturing her talent at Billings (MT) High School, where she quickly rose through the ranks to become Art Club president. Over the course of her four years at Montana State, that talent has blossomed, with Dunne developing what her instructors call "a unique individual style."

"The first time I saw Heather's paintings, I was like, 'Whoa, this stuff is really good,'" Eisen said. "The use of color in her paintings is amazing. It's just really dynamic and multi-spatial. I mean, it's like everything on her canvas is totally three-dimensional."

Heather Dunne's <I>Two Straitjacketed Messiahs</I>, a sculpture friend Tony Eisen once called "incredible."

"Her art makes you question everything around you," Eisen continued. "Take, for example, her sculpture Two Straitjacketed Messiahs. Who's to say it's insane people who are truly insane? Maybe it's the sane people who are insane, and the insane people are actually the ones who see things the way they really are?"

Eisen, who has seen "tons" of other Montana State students' artwork, said he has never seen anything quite like Dunne's. Eisen also visited the Museum of Modern Art during a 1996 trip to New York and believes that Dunne's work "would fit right in."

Eisen is such a great fan of Dunne's work, he said that as soon as he can save some extra money from his campus-library job, he plans to purchase one of her pieces.

"I don't know if she would ever consider selling it, but I would love to buy Self Reflection," Eisen said of Dunne's Sculpture & Collage 220 final project, a glass-shard-covered mannequin. "That piece is incredible."

"If you think about it, it's a good investment, because she's going places," Eisen said. "Heather's going to be famous someday, I swear."

Dunne's talent has not gone unnoticed in the Montana State Art Department, either. Her wood, string and papîer maché sculpture, Lifeless Marionette, was awarded a $100 prize at the annual Spring Student Exhibit in April 1998.

"Heather is a very good student, and she deserves high praise," said Janet Alvy, Dunne's Figure Drawing 301 instructor. "She regularly attends class and never misses an assignment deadline."

Dunne is one of 255 Montana State seniors expected to graduate this spring with a bachelor's degree in art, placing her among a select group of 48,000 students who will receive art degrees from colleges and universities across the nation. She plans to continue to study art in graduate school in the fall.

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