adBlockCheck

Local

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.

The couple share a moment of familial contentment.

"My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me," said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. "I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors' appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together."

Added Hyams, "I don't know how Pete would survive if I weren't around."

The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.

Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky's irresponsibility and Hyams' controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.

"She takes care of me," said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. "With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself, or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice."

Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.

"We don't have to be having sex all the time to be happy," said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. "Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can only eat cookies with Janet's say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to 'ground' me from snacks for a week. It's so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person."

"My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted," he added. "We just didn't have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share."

Hyams' maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel useful and needed, and monitoring Mazursky to make sure he doesn't exceed his allotted three hours of video games per day. In return, Mazursky's duties include playing touch football with his friends, giving Hyams someone to subconsciously feel superior to, making the bed after being yelled at to do so, and allowing Hyams to lick her finger and wipe smudges off his face before they go outside.

"When we first met, I knew there was something special about Pete—he was like a big teddy bear you just wanted to tuck into bed," Hyams explained. "That's not to say we don't still have our problems. Sometimes he throws a tantrum when he doesn't want to do the dishes, and I have to discipline him. But when he falls asleep with his head in my lap, it's all worth it."

Mazursky agrees.

"I'm really happy with Janet," he said. "Not every guy's got a girlfriend who calls him from work to make sure he's had lunch. I guess I'm just one lucky kid."

"I really love Mom—I mean, Janet," Mazursky added.

More from this section

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close