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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.

The couple share a moment of familial contentment.

"My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me," said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. "I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors' appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together."

Added Hyams, "I don't know how Pete would survive if I weren't around."

The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.

Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky's irresponsibility and Hyams' controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.

"She takes care of me," said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. "With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself, or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice."

Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.

"We don't have to be having sex all the time to be happy," said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. "Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can only eat cookies with Janet's say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to 'ground' me from snacks for a week. It's so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person."

"My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted," he added. "We just didn't have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share."

Hyams' maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel useful and needed, and monitoring Mazursky to make sure he doesn't exceed his allotted three hours of video games per day. In return, Mazursky's duties include playing touch football with his friends, giving Hyams someone to subconsciously feel superior to, making the bed after being yelled at to do so, and allowing Hyams to lick her finger and wipe smudges off his face before they go outside.

"When we first met, I knew there was something special about Pete—he was like a big teddy bear you just wanted to tuck into bed," Hyams explained. "That's not to say we don't still have our problems. Sometimes he throws a tantrum when he doesn't want to do the dishes, and I have to discipline him. But when he falls asleep with his head in my lap, it's all worth it."

Mazursky agrees.

"I'm really happy with Janet," he said. "Not every guy's got a girlfriend who calls him from work to make sure he's had lunch. I guess I'm just one lucky kid."

"I really love Mom—I mean, Janet," Mazursky added.

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