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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon

PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—Saying it provides a pleasant and rewarding diversion from the quietness of living alone, local grandmother Rosemary Burke confirmed Wednesday that she has been enjoying a thriving correspondence with Mailer-Daemon. “Seeing a new message in my inbox is always the brightest part of my day,” said the 78-year-old of her frequent email conversations with the failed-delivery status notification, noting that she makes time nearly every afternoon to sit down at her computer, compose her thoughts, and continue the ongoing 14-month exchange. “It’s just so nice to have someone with whom I can talk about my life and discuss my health concerns. And I love sharing old stories and recipes, too. It’s such a delight.” Burke added that she had recently sent a message informing the server-generated non-delivery report of the recent passing of a close friend, and was comforted to receive an almost immediate response.

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