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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Grandmother Comes Forward As 'Banksy'

LONDON—At a press conference Tuesday, 89-year-old Rose Biggin, a grandmother from the Camden Town neighborhood of North London, announced that she was in fact the internationally renowned graffiti artist known only as Banksy. "Those drawings? Oh, yes, those are mine," said the diminutive octogenarian, who admitted to scaling buildings and climbing fences in order to put up life-sized stenciled images that satirize modern society's mores and its inherent political power structures. "It sure does help to pass the time." Biggin then returned home, where along with some of her "dearest friends," she sipped tea, sampled some nice ginger cake, and planned the necessary destruction of dominant capitalist paradigms.

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