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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself

LARGE FIELD EAST OF WATER—Watching a shapely female grasshopper pass by, area grasshopper 44-3541-M told a fellow male Monday that he is "a definite thorax man." "Don't get me wrong, I love a good abdomen," 44-3541-M said. "But a nice, shiny mesothorax? Right where the wings connect? Oh, man, you can't beat that." 44-3541-M added that he'd let 97-94732-F, an attractive female praying mantis from a nearby elm tree, devour his head anytime.

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