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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

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