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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. "I never thought we'd recover from the loss of the greatest class of all time, but by some miracle, we're still here," said Principal Troy Kilzer, citing the class of 2011's spirit and Christine Kelly’s amazing homecoming decorations as just a few of the reasons the 98-year-old Chester High should have, by all rules of logic, ceased to exist following the graduating seniors' departure. "The rock they painted 'Class of 2011' on is still there on the hill overlooking the school, reminding us every day of their devastatingly clever senior prank, when they all showed up one morning wearing their clothes backwards. The doors should have closed forever based on that alone, but somehow we're still getting by—just barely, but we're getting by." According to current senior class sources, the loss of the unbelievably awesome class of 2012 will definitely bring Chester County High School to an end.

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