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Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

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Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. "I never thought we'd recover from the loss of the greatest class of all time, but by some miracle, we're still here," said Principal Troy Kilzer, citing the class of 2011's spirit and Christine Kelly’s amazing homecoming decorations as just a few of the reasons the 98-year-old Chester High should have, by all rules of logic, ceased to exist following the graduating seniors' departure. "The rock they painted 'Class of 2011' on is still there on the hill overlooking the school, reminding us every day of their devastatingly clever senior prank, when they all showed up one morning wearing their clothes backwards. The doors should have closed forever based on that alone, but somehow we're still getting by—just barely, but we're getting by." According to current senior class sources, the loss of the unbelievably awesome class of 2012 will definitely bring Chester County High School to an end.

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