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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. "I never thought we'd recover from the loss of the greatest class of all time, but by some miracle, we're still here," said Principal Troy Kilzer, citing the class of 2011's spirit and Christine Kelly’s amazing homecoming decorations as just a few of the reasons the 98-year-old Chester High should have, by all rules of logic, ceased to exist following the graduating seniors' departure. "The rock they painted 'Class of 2011' on is still there on the hill overlooking the school, reminding us every day of their devastatingly clever senior prank, when they all showed up one morning wearing their clothes backwards. The doors should have closed forever based on that alone, but somehow we're still getting by—just barely, but we're getting by." According to current senior class sources, the loss of the unbelievably awesome class of 2012 will definitely bring Chester County High School to an end.

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