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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors

HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. "I never thought we'd recover from the loss of the greatest class of all time, but by some miracle, we're still here," said Principal Troy Kilzer, citing the class of 2011's spirit and Christine Kelly’s amazing homecoming decorations as just a few of the reasons the 98-year-old Chester High should have, by all rules of logic, ceased to exist following the graduating seniors' departure. "The rock they painted 'Class of 2011' on is still there on the hill overlooking the school, reminding us every day of their devastatingly clever senior prank, when they all showed up one morning wearing their clothes backwards. The doors should have closed forever based on that alone, but somehow we're still getting by—just barely, but we're getting by." According to current senior class sources, the loss of the unbelievably awesome class of 2012 will definitely bring Chester County High School to an end.

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