adBlockCheck

Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

FALMOUTH, MA—Near-tragedy turned to joy Monday, as area residents Phillip and Karen Widman and their two children were saved from their burning house on Locust Street by Kevin Lassally, a homosexual man.

Falmouth resident Kevin Lassally, who likes to hold and kiss other men, is being hailed as a hero after rescuing a family of four from a deadly blaze.

The fire, believed to have started around 1 a.m. when an unextinguished candle ignited a set of drapes, threatened to consume the home and the Widman family along with it. Lassally, returning home after visiting with other homosexuals, smelled smoke and saw flames through the Widmans' living room window.

"I heard children crying, and knew I had to do something," the 34-year-old, gay computer programmer told reporters. "I used their porch railing to climb up on the roofing that underhung the children's bedroom. Then I had to kick in their window to reach them."

Once the window was broken, gusts of wind began funneling smoke out of the house and feeding oxygen into the fire. Said Lassally, "I couldn't see through the black wall of smoke, but I was able to locate the children from the sound of their crying." After the blinded, homosexual Lassally eased Meghan, 3, and Joshua, 18 months, out the window and leapt to the ground, protecting the children by absorbing the impact on his own back, he realized the children's parents had yet to be rescued.

"The oldest child began crying that her parents were still in the house," Lassally, who prefers the company of men to women, said. "So I had to go back in for them." The fearless and gay hero once again climbed onto the roof of the house and entered the second-floor window, only to discover after minutes of groping that the master bedroom was nowhere on the upstairs floor. Bolting down the stairs, he found the first floor to be a red-hot mass of flame and collapsing timbers. He nevertheless located the bedroom and carried the unconscious parents out on his shoulders.

By now a blackened, sooty, homosexual figure, Lassally set the Widmans down a safe distance from the house, just as firefighters were arriving, and collapsed on the lawn, exhausted and gay.

Lassally suffered burns covering over 70 percent of his body and sustained injuries leaving him unable to work or have anal intercourse with men for about two months. Doctors describe his condition as stable but homosexual.

As donations and toys come pouring in to the family, which lost most of its possessions, congratulatory cards and telegrams are being sent to Falmouth's new favorite gay citizen.

"This brave, homosexual man has inspired us all," Falmouth mayor Matthew Colella said. "The local hospital has announced plans to rename its burn ward "The Kevin Lassally Gay Burn Ward."

Karen Widman beamed with praise for their new hero: "He's the kind of guy you hope your kids will grow up to be like in certain ways, like courage."

Added husband Phillip: "Some-times life makes you cynical, like it's you against the world. Then out of nowhere comes a totally selfless gay person who turns your whole view around."

Lassally is modest in the face of so many tributes: "I've always believed that one [homosexual] really can make a difference."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close