adBlockCheck

Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday.

Unwittingly out-of-the-closet homosexual Jeremy Schuitt.

A graphic designer who secretly frequents Cruisers, a local dance club, Schuitt has told only four people about his homosexuality. However, nearly all of his friends, co-workers and relatives are well aware of it, as is the clerk at the neighborhood Starbucks where Schuitt orders a "double mocha 'capp' in [a] paper [cup]" every day before work.

"Jeremy is a very nice guy, and I totally support his sexual orientation," said co-worker Diane Pulaski, one of the countless people to whom Schuitt has not come out. "I think it's great that he's so open about it."

Though Schuitt denies dating men and feigns ignorance of gay culture, his extensive collection of handpainted Italian tiles and love of Stephen Sondheim are well-known.

Among the many other indicators that have tipped off the world to Schuitt's homosexuality include his running commentary on footwear, his constant playing of the Pet Shop Boys' Very on the mini CD boom box at his workstation, his standard greeting of "And how are we doing today?" and the week-long depression he fell into following Princess Diana's death.

"Sadly, we still live in a largely homophobic society, so there are many reasons why an individual would choose to hide his gayness," said magazine editor James Allenby, for whom Schuitt frequently does freelance graphic-design work. "That's why I applaud Jeremy's decision to just let it all hang out. He's so incredibly fun and flamboyant."

As people get to know Schuitt better, however, they inevitably discover that his openness is purely accidental.

"What can I say? I just adore Paris," Schuitt told co-worker Geri Hahn recently. "The Seine, The Louvre, Jean-Paul Gaultier—I'd die to live there someday."

"That is," Schuitt added, "assuming my girlfriend Jackie would want to move there, too."

Schuitt's invention of "Jacqueline"—his French-Canadian fiancée currently touring Canada with the Montreal Ballet—is just one of the many cover stories Schuitt has created to hide his homosexuality from those in whom he cannot confide.

The interior of Schuitt's four-room apartment, which his friends said "screams, 'Look, I'm gay!'"

Unbeknownst to Schuitt, every one of his efforts has been unsuccessful. Even those friends who have not accidentally found Manhole Magazine's 1998 Boy-Toy Revue video Schuitt keeps hidden behind his entertainment center have noted the other tell-tale signs of homosexuality around his apartment, such his extensive collection of pierrot figurines and coordinated futon cover and curtain set.

Progressive and open-minded, Schuitt's friends have fully accepted his closeted status and have tried to create a comfortable environment for his sexual denial. But despite their open-mindedness, many of these friends were shocked and uncomfortable upon discovering that Schuitt was not yet "out."

"Of course, I've always respected his right to privacy regarding that very personal decision," friend Erin Chance said. "But there's no doubt about it--he's gay. Not just a little gay, really gay."

Chance is among the many people who, upon meeting Schuitt, told him that they "have lots of gay friends," only to have the closeted man nervously reply that he thinks his sister might have a gay friend.

"I felt a little embarrassed for just assuming, but how was I supposed to know?" Chance said. "My gaydar tells me he's way out of the closet."

Janice Sharperson is among the four friends whom Schuitt, in moments of abandon, has told, "I'm not sure, but sometimes I think I might be bisexual."

"Big shocker, huh?" Sharperson said. "I know it makes sense that he'd be used to hiding it after growing up Catholic in a small town, but we're all secretly rooting for him to come out. It's getting kind of weird acting like we don't know that everyone knows he likes men."

Even Schuitt's distant relatives are aware of his homosexuality.

"Last fall, at his cousin Bryan's wedding, Jeremy stood up to make an announcement," said Bea Langan, Schuitt's great aunt. "I thought for sure he was going to tell us all his little 'secret,' but instead he told us that his girlfriend unfortunately couldn't make it because she had pneumonia. Oh, well. Maybe next time."

Schuitt, who first realized he was attracted to males in high school, has been perceived as gay since fifth or sixth grade.

"Jeremy is one of those students I'll never forget," said Marcia Krause, Schuitt's middle-school drama teacher. "He was so sweet and so talented--you should have seen him in Pippin. I wonder where he is now. San Francisco or the West Village, I suppose."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close