Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

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Vol 35 Issue 31

Rotating Knife Vortex Closed Pending Safety Investigation

NORFOLK, VA—By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed Monday. "Until we deem that this whirling knife vortex fully complies with all state and federal safety regulations, we unfortunately have no choice but to shut it down," commission spokesman James Fenten said. Vortex operators are angry. "Closing the vortex is costing dozens of workers their paychecks," project supervisor Carl Blaine said. "It's costing the city $100,000 every day it's down. This city needs a gigantic, funnel-like chasm with whirling, razor-sharp steel blades protruding from all sides, and it needs it now."

Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock.

Natural Light Very Important To Local Man

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA—The natural light of the sun is extremely important to homeowner Gregg Dorner, it was reported Monday. "Natural light definitely opens up the place. The living-room space just breathes a lot more and has a much greater sense of play ever since I installed the skylight," Dorner said. "Natural light also really suffuses the kitchen area and mutes the colors. I think it softens the lines, too." According to neighbor Alexander Faulk, the Dorner home looks "exactly the same" as when artificial lights were used.

Area Man Killed In Committee

NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m. departmental meeting. "We threw Nathan out there and discussed him at length, but in the end we decided he just wasn't viable," K&L creative director Marcus Somers said. "We had a lot of really high hopes for Nathan, and we certainly tried to make him work, passing him back and forth and letting everybody take a stab at him, but in the end he just died on the table." Somers extended his "deepest regrets" to Lohaus' wife and children.

The Candidate And Cocaine

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush continues to dodge questions about whether he has ever used cocaine or other illegal drugs. What do you think?

A Profanity Primer

It enrages me beyond all tolerance to see what has be-come of people these days. There is not one man jack in a hundred with any back-bone any-more! Why, scarcely one man in ten butchers his own swine, wives are no longer taken by brute force, and duels are hardly ever fought, and then only with childish pistols, I am told, not the great spiked leaden mattocks of my youth! Why, the thick and fiery blood of this great Republic must be but a thin, pinkish drool in the veins of its so-called manhood.
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Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday.

Unwittingly out-of-the-closet homosexual Jeremy Schuitt.

A graphic designer who secretly frequents Cruisers, a local dance club, Schuitt has told only four people about his homosexuality. However, nearly all of his friends, co-workers and relatives are well aware of it, as is the clerk at the neighborhood Starbucks where Schuitt orders a "double mocha 'capp' in [a] paper [cup]" every day before work.

"Jeremy is a very nice guy, and I totally support his sexual orientation," said co-worker Diane Pulaski, one of the countless people to whom Schuitt has not come out. "I think it's great that he's so open about it."

Though Schuitt denies dating men and feigns ignorance of gay culture, his extensive collection of handpainted Italian tiles and love of Stephen Sondheim are well-known.

Among the many other indicators that have tipped off the world to Schuitt's homosexuality include his running commentary on footwear, his constant playing of the Pet Shop Boys' Very on the mini CD boom box at his workstation, his standard greeting of "And how are we doing today?" and the week-long depression he fell into following Princess Diana's death.

"Sadly, we still live in a largely homophobic society, so there are many reasons why an individual would choose to hide his gayness," said magazine editor James Allenby, for whom Schuitt frequently does freelance graphic-design work. "That's why I applaud Jeremy's decision to just let it all hang out. He's so incredibly fun and flamboyant."

As people get to know Schuitt better, however, they inevitably discover that his openness is purely accidental.

"What can I say? I just adore Paris," Schuitt told co-worker Geri Hahn recently. "The Seine, The Louvre, Jean-Paul Gaultier—I'd die to live there someday."

"That is," Schuitt added, "assuming my girlfriend Jackie would want to move there, too."

Schuitt's invention of "Jacqueline"—his French-Canadian fiancée currently touring Canada with the Montreal Ballet—is just one of the many cover stories Schuitt has created to hide his homosexuality from those in whom he cannot confide.

The interior of Schuitt's four-room apartment, which his friends said "screams, 'Look, I'm gay!'"

Unbeknownst to Schuitt, every one of his efforts has been unsuccessful. Even those friends who have not accidentally found Manhole Magazine's 1998 Boy-Toy Revue video Schuitt keeps hidden behind his entertainment center have noted the other tell-tale signs of homosexuality around his apartment, such his extensive collection of pierrot figurines and coordinated futon cover and curtain set.

Progressive and open-minded, Schuitt's friends have fully accepted his closeted status and have tried to create a comfortable environment for his sexual denial. But despite their open-mindedness, many of these friends were shocked and uncomfortable upon discovering that Schuitt was not yet "out."

"Of course, I've always respected his right to privacy regarding that very personal decision," friend Erin Chance said. "But there's no doubt about it--he's gay. Not just a little gay, really gay."

Chance is among the many people who, upon meeting Schuitt, told him that they "have lots of gay friends," only to have the closeted man nervously reply that he thinks his sister might have a gay friend.

"I felt a little embarrassed for just assuming, but how was I supposed to know?" Chance said. "My gaydar tells me he's way out of the closet."

Janice Sharperson is among the four friends whom Schuitt, in moments of abandon, has told, "I'm not sure, but sometimes I think I might be bisexual."

"Big shocker, huh?" Sharperson said. "I know it makes sense that he'd be used to hiding it after growing up Catholic in a small town, but we're all secretly rooting for him to come out. It's getting kind of weird acting like we don't know that everyone knows he likes men."

Even Schuitt's distant relatives are aware of his homosexuality.

"Last fall, at his cousin Bryan's wedding, Jeremy stood up to make an announcement," said Bea Langan, Schuitt's great aunt. "I thought for sure he was going to tell us all his little 'secret,' but instead he told us that his girlfriend unfortunately couldn't make it because she had pneumonia. Oh, well. Maybe next time."

Schuitt, who first realized he was attracted to males in high school, has been perceived as gay since fifth or sixth grade.

"Jeremy is one of those students I'll never forget," said Marcia Krause, Schuitt's middle-school drama teacher. "He was so sweet and so talented--you should have seen him in Pippin. I wonder where he is now. San Francisco or the West Village, I suppose."

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