adBlockCheck

Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday.

Unwittingly out-of-the-closet homosexual Jeremy Schuitt.

A graphic designer who secretly frequents Cruisers, a local dance club, Schuitt has told only four people about his homosexuality. However, nearly all of his friends, co-workers and relatives are well aware of it, as is the clerk at the neighborhood Starbucks where Schuitt orders a "double mocha 'capp' in [a] paper [cup]" every day before work.

"Jeremy is a very nice guy, and I totally support his sexual orientation," said co-worker Diane Pulaski, one of the countless people to whom Schuitt has not come out. "I think it's great that he's so open about it."

Though Schuitt denies dating men and feigns ignorance of gay culture, his extensive collection of handpainted Italian tiles and love of Stephen Sondheim are well-known.

Among the many other indicators that have tipped off the world to Schuitt's homosexuality include his running commentary on footwear, his constant playing of the Pet Shop Boys' Very on the mini CD boom box at his workstation, his standard greeting of "And how are we doing today?" and the week-long depression he fell into following Princess Diana's death.

"Sadly, we still live in a largely homophobic society, so there are many reasons why an individual would choose to hide his gayness," said magazine editor James Allenby, for whom Schuitt frequently does freelance graphic-design work. "That's why I applaud Jeremy's decision to just let it all hang out. He's so incredibly fun and flamboyant."

As people get to know Schuitt better, however, they inevitably discover that his openness is purely accidental.

"What can I say? I just adore Paris," Schuitt told co-worker Geri Hahn recently. "The Seine, The Louvre, Jean-Paul Gaultier—I'd die to live there someday."

"That is," Schuitt added, "assuming my girlfriend Jackie would want to move there, too."

Schuitt's invention of "Jacqueline"—his French-Canadian fiancée currently touring Canada with the Montreal Ballet—is just one of the many cover stories Schuitt has created to hide his homosexuality from those in whom he cannot confide.

The interior of Schuitt's four-room apartment, which his friends said "screams, 'Look, I'm gay!'"

Unbeknownst to Schuitt, every one of his efforts has been unsuccessful. Even those friends who have not accidentally found Manhole Magazine's 1998 Boy-Toy Revue video Schuitt keeps hidden behind his entertainment center have noted the other tell-tale signs of homosexuality around his apartment, such his extensive collection of pierrot figurines and coordinated futon cover and curtain set.

Progressive and open-minded, Schuitt's friends have fully accepted his closeted status and have tried to create a comfortable environment for his sexual denial. But despite their open-mindedness, many of these friends were shocked and uncomfortable upon discovering that Schuitt was not yet "out."

"Of course, I've always respected his right to privacy regarding that very personal decision," friend Erin Chance said. "But there's no doubt about it--he's gay. Not just a little gay, really gay."

Chance is among the many people who, upon meeting Schuitt, told him that they "have lots of gay friends," only to have the closeted man nervously reply that he thinks his sister might have a gay friend.

"I felt a little embarrassed for just assuming, but how was I supposed to know?" Chance said. "My gaydar tells me he's way out of the closet."

Janice Sharperson is among the four friends whom Schuitt, in moments of abandon, has told, "I'm not sure, but sometimes I think I might be bisexual."

"Big shocker, huh?" Sharperson said. "I know it makes sense that he'd be used to hiding it after growing up Catholic in a small town, but we're all secretly rooting for him to come out. It's getting kind of weird acting like we don't know that everyone knows he likes men."

Even Schuitt's distant relatives are aware of his homosexuality.

"Last fall, at his cousin Bryan's wedding, Jeremy stood up to make an announcement," said Bea Langan, Schuitt's great aunt. "I thought for sure he was going to tell us all his little 'secret,' but instead he told us that his girlfriend unfortunately couldn't make it because she had pneumonia. Oh, well. Maybe next time."

Schuitt, who first realized he was attracted to males in high school, has been perceived as gay since fifth or sixth grade.

"Jeremy is one of those students I'll never forget," said Marcia Krause, Schuitt's middle-school drama teacher. "He was so sweet and so talented--you should have seen him in Pippin. I wonder where he is now. San Francisco or the West Village, I suppose."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close