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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work

ROCHESTER, NY—According to sources, an idea thought of Monday has been reported to be so crazy and ill-conceived that it may actually wind up working. "Without getting too specific," said Myron Halversham, 53, the idea's creator, "let's just say that this is the kind of off-the-wall idea that ordinarily you'd immediately reject as ridiculous and insane, and obviously doomed to fail. But upon second thought, it occurred to me that despite—or perhaps even because of—its utter absurdity, this idea may well be successful." Despite Halversham's tremendous optimism, area nay-sayers are scoffing at the hare-brained scheme.

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