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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Lady's Gentleman Caller Under Employ Of Jiffy Lube

HORNELL, NY—The identity of the mysterious gentleman whose amorous attentions have of late been accorded to local lady Kelly Gabbert was at last revealed as Mr. Kyle Bemis, a jocund bachelor of some repute who close acquaintances confirmed is, at present, under the employ of the Jiffy Lube enterprise. “Being as he is an eligible man possessed of a reasonably noble bearing, the eager pursuer oft calls upon the young lady at home after settling the duties of said oil station office,” said a confidant of Ms. Gabbert, noting that Mr. Bemis may even take a turn about the local Stop ’N Shop parking lot in hopes, perchance, that he might woo the fair maiden of Steuben County whilst on her cigarette break. “Neighbors have on great occasion observed the fashionable young man ferrying the lady about town in his 600-horsepower Ford Mustang or escorting her to lavish dinner engagements at the most opulent of wing bars, whereupon he customarily sends for a platter of barbecue chicken and spicy-sweet sauce.” At press time, sources reported the winsome paramour had beckoned his beloved to the driveway with three honks of the car horn.

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