adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market

BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of the American stock market. "No matter what sort of calamity befalls Wall Street, this total failure of a man remains exactly, and happily, the same as he was before," said market analyst Ben Tanaka, who since 2008 has developed high-blood pressure and a stomach ulcer from worrying about the financial crisis. "As long as he has money for rent, cable, and food, which he usually does, he is fine. I have to say, I kind of envy the loser." Tanaka added that unless there was suddenly a 550 percent nationwide spike in the price of beer, Everett's condition would likely continue on without change.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close