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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market

BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of the American stock market. "No matter what sort of calamity befalls Wall Street, this total failure of a man remains exactly, and happily, the same as he was before," said market analyst Ben Tanaka, who since 2008 has developed high-blood pressure and a stomach ulcer from worrying about the financial crisis. "As long as he has money for rent, cable, and food, which he usually does, he is fine. I have to say, I kind of envy the loser." Tanaka added that unless there was suddenly a 550 percent nationwide spike in the price of beer, Everett's condition would likely continue on without change.

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