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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At first glance, Randy Grebcyk appears to be like any other male. An associate underwriter for Mid-Atlantic Colonial Insurance, Grebcyk, 29, works a 40-hour week and lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment. What sets Grebcyk apart from other males, however, is an unusual lack of shyness and a strong desire for self-expression—qualities that surprise those who meet him, and leave scientists scrambling for explanation.

With his lack of shyness and strong desire for self-expression, Philadelphia's Randy Grebcyk is an oddity among males. Among the 29-year-old's unique interests: alcoholic beverages, cars and the local pro sports teams.

Psychologists studying Grebcyk have coined a term, "extroversion," to describe his unusual behavior.

"It's completely baffling," said MIT researcher Edmund Lawler. "As we all know, men are normally very reticent and reluctant to share their opinions or thoughts. I myself would prefer to be hiding under my desk right now. But this Grebcyk fellow breaks the mold. He's quite an anomaly."

As Grebcyk himself put it: "Whoo-hoo! AC/DC rules! Chevy sucks!"

Most males are by nature content with a quiet, contemplative life, spending their days baking, quilting and meditating thoughtfully. Venturing out in public takes no small degree of coaxing and self-resolve. Not so with Grebcyk.

At any given moment and without warning, Grebcyk is capable of such unorthodox actions as: initiating a conversation with a total stranger; telling an off-color joke; and emitting high-pitched whooping noises.

Or, as Grebcyk recently said, "Yeah! Fifth row tickets, baby! Sweet!"

Researchers have isolated five basic elements through which Grebcyk's unusual traits find their expression: pro football, "classic" rock, alcoholic beverages, the opposite sex, and automobiles.

For example, Grebcyk recently won Philadelphia Eagles tickets on a drive-time show on his favorite sports radio station, WDUG, "The Dugout." As a "huge fan" of the Eagles, Grebcyk was ecstatic, and in the days leading up to the game he could not stop talking about how he had won the tickets, as well as how he had gotten to say "WDUG kicks ass" on the air.

At the game, Grebcyk drew stares and gasps of admiration by appearing shirtless, with one side of his body painted green and the other side white.

"What a delightful, not at all annoying young man," said Shirley Post, 51, who sat near Grebcyk at the game.

Not surprisingly, Grebcyk wants to put his unusual traits to gainful use. He would like someday to become a "stand-up comedian," a person who tells jokes to elicit laughter from others. Grebcyk said he was influenced by his hero, Andrew "Dice" Clay, a comedian who exhibited extroversion similar to Grebcyk's before his career decline in the early 1990s.

"You hear what happened when Michael Jackson's wife got pregnant?" Grebcyk quipped. "He was the one who got morning sickness."

Scientists still cannot find a cause for Grebcyk's unique extroversion. But whatever the cause, everyone agrees that his future is bright.

"I predict big things for Randy," said Jennifer Kessler, his supervisor at Mid-Atlantic. "Such unusual exuberance should be well rewarded, and I think it will be."

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