adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At first glance, Randy Grebcyk appears to be like any other male. An associate underwriter for Mid-Atlantic Colonial Insurance, Grebcyk, 29, works a 40-hour week and lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment. What sets Grebcyk apart from other males, however, is an unusual lack of shyness and a strong desire for self-expression—qualities that surprise those who meet him, and leave scientists scrambling for explanation.

With his lack of shyness and strong desire for self-expression, Philadelphia's Randy Grebcyk is an oddity among males. Among the 29-year-old's unique interests: alcoholic beverages, cars and the local pro sports teams.

Psychologists studying Grebcyk have coined a term, "extroversion," to describe his unusual behavior.

"It's completely baffling," said MIT researcher Edmund Lawler. "As we all know, men are normally very reticent and reluctant to share their opinions or thoughts. I myself would prefer to be hiding under my desk right now. But this Grebcyk fellow breaks the mold. He's quite an anomaly."

As Grebcyk himself put it: "Whoo-hoo! AC/DC rules! Chevy sucks!"

Most males are by nature content with a quiet, contemplative life, spending their days baking, quilting and meditating thoughtfully. Venturing out in public takes no small degree of coaxing and self-resolve. Not so with Grebcyk.

At any given moment and without warning, Grebcyk is capable of such unorthodox actions as: initiating a conversation with a total stranger; telling an off-color joke; and emitting high-pitched whooping noises.

Or, as Grebcyk recently said, "Yeah! Fifth row tickets, baby! Sweet!"

Researchers have isolated five basic elements through which Grebcyk's unusual traits find their expression: pro football, "classic" rock, alcoholic beverages, the opposite sex, and automobiles.

For example, Grebcyk recently won Philadelphia Eagles tickets on a drive-time show on his favorite sports radio station, WDUG, "The Dugout." As a "huge fan" of the Eagles, Grebcyk was ecstatic, and in the days leading up to the game he could not stop talking about how he had won the tickets, as well as how he had gotten to say "WDUG kicks ass" on the air.

At the game, Grebcyk drew stares and gasps of admiration by appearing shirtless, with one side of his body painted green and the other side white.

"What a delightful, not at all annoying young man," said Shirley Post, 51, who sat near Grebcyk at the game.

Not surprisingly, Grebcyk wants to put his unusual traits to gainful use. He would like someday to become a "stand-up comedian," a person who tells jokes to elicit laughter from others. Grebcyk said he was influenced by his hero, Andrew "Dice" Clay, a comedian who exhibited extroversion similar to Grebcyk's before his career decline in the early 1990s.

"You hear what happened when Michael Jackson's wife got pregnant?" Grebcyk quipped. "He was the one who got morning sickness."

Scientists still cannot find a cause for Grebcyk's unique extroversion. But whatever the cause, everyone agrees that his future is bright.

"I predict big things for Randy," said Jennifer Kessler, his supervisor at Mid-Atlantic. "Such unusual exuberance should be well rewarded, and I think it will be."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close