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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Accepts Burden Of Being Only Person On Earth Who Understands How World Actually Works

Local man Aaron Krause told reporters that he did not ask to be the foremost expert on everything but has grown to accept his lot in life.
Local man Aaron Krause told reporters that he did not ask to be the foremost expert on everything but has grown to accept his lot in life.

INDIANAPOLIS—Solemnly declaring that he alone could enlighten a human race crippled by ignorance, area man Aaron Krause said Thursday that he had accepted the burden of being the only person on earth who actually understands the world and how it works.

Krause, a 41-year-old sales manager and father of two, told reporters that his unequaled comprehension of politics, technology, popular culture, interpersonal relationships, food, sports, and all other existing subjects brings with it a heavy obligation to share all he knows with the countless individuals everywhere who remain totally in the dark.

“Being the only one who knows everything isn’t an easy cross to bear, but simply put, I have a responsibility to tell people when they’re wrong,” said Krause, adding that despite an initial reluctance to impart his singular wisdom, he ultimately accepted it as his duty. “It’s not their fault, but I’m still going to correct them for their own benefit—maybe next time they’ll know the right way to run a meeting, lose weight, or listen to music.”

“If I don’t help these people, who else can?” he added.

Krause explained that he began to grasp the full scope of his burden after being repeatedly taken aback by the profound misunderstanding family and friends displayed about everything from selecting retirement savings accounts to disciplining children to properly grilling a steak. It was only after years of listening to people voice their shocking misconceptions about workplace etiquette, taxes, the relative merits of various makes and models of cars, and common grammar mistakes did Krause reportedly realize that he was the only living person endowed with such knowledge and that no one anywhere understood the world as unerringly as he did.

According to Krause, his duty to enlighten the other 7.4 billion inhabitants of the planet follows him wherever he goes. Whether he is eating dinner at a restaurant with his family, walking through the breakroom at work, or spending time with friends, he told reporters that he must always be ready to rise to the occasion, imparting at a moment’s notice insights regarding what makes a good movie, whether a particular football player should be traded, or the superiority of certain rideshare apps over others.

Conceding that his unmatched knowledge often makes it difficult to be patient with the uninformed multitudes, Krause added that he is frequently put in a position where he has no alternative but to interrupt a conversation among individuals he has never met.

“I was at a party last week, and these people nearby obviously hadn’t the faintest notion of who made the best burger in town, so I had to spend an awful lot of time breaking it down for them,” Krause said, adding that he had similarly educated other guests at the same gathering on the best time to give children their own smartphone and the appropriate method for battling international terrorism. “And it’s even harder when I go on social media. There, I’m just bombarded with people who are completely mistaken about everything, and it feels like I’ll never get to everyone who needs my help.”

“But I have to try,” he added. “This is the weight I carry.”

Well aware that he had no choice but to speak up, Krause was at press time explaining to a stranger that the book she was reading wasn’t nearly as good as several others on the topic.

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