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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad

ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its author, wardrobebuyer Stephen Mallory. "He lives right in my neighborhood, he's a professional, and he loves to work out—he sounds sexy," said Mallory after discovering the ad he had posted 10 hours earlier seeking a "mature, open-minded, no drama VGL WM for drinks, maybe more…". "In three weeks of searching, I haven't found anyone who really appealed to me, but this guy sounds absolutely perfect." Mallory said that although the slightly taller man described in the ad is a few years younger, he hopes the would-be mate won't mind.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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