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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad

ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its author, wardrobebuyer Stephen Mallory. "He lives right in my neighborhood, he's a professional, and he loves to work out—he sounds sexy," said Mallory after discovering the ad he had posted 10 hours earlier seeking a "mature, open-minded, no drama VGL WM for drinks, maybe more…". "In three weeks of searching, I haven't found anyone who really appealed to me, but this guy sounds absolutely perfect." Mallory said that although the slightly taller man described in the ad is a few years younger, he hopes the would-be mate won't mind.

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