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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Achieves Your Dream

CHARLOTTE, NC—After almost two decades of dreaming on your part, 34-year-old Stephen Hochenko achieved your goal of opening up a small bookstore and café last Thursday, coincidentally in the exact location you had planned to open yours.

"This proves that no matter what your dreams are, someone out there can achieve them if they just do a little homework, save their money, and believe in themselves," said a satisfied Hochenko as he arranged tables and chairs for a Monday night wine tasting and reading featuring acclaimed author Neil Gaiman. "I'm happier than you can even imagine or will probably ever experience yourself."

Hochenko joins a long list of people who have achieved your dreams, including the creators of YouTube, Grand Prix motorcycle-racer Valentino Rossi, and the people who married your longtime crush and potential soul mate in April 1998, June 2001, and last Saturday.

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