adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster

SAN JOSE, CA—Two weeks into the 2011 Major League Baseball season, 27-year-old Fred Romero has already begun complaining about the amount of time it takes to manage his fantasy baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday. "I have a job, I have friends, I have a life. I shouldn’t be cutting into hours of sleep to research middle infielders for a game that’s supposed to be fun," said Romero, adding that on three separate occasions he's checked his team at lunch only to find out a pitcher on his bench has already started an afternoon game. "Besides, Michael [Armor] does website design or something for Yahoo! Sports, so he always wins our league anyway." Romero's expression of frustration arrives sooner than it did in 2010, when he reportedly waited until the end of April to tell his friends that he didn’t "have time for this shit" and was "never doing it again."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close