Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

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Area Man

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.

Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"

Area Man Settled For

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Area Man

New Belgium

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.
Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.

SHERIDAN, OR—After spending 73 hours in the Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution in northwestern Oregon, first-time inmate Martin Hayes told reporters today that he was "getting pretty tired of prison."

"Man, this is so boring," said Hayes, 38, who just completed day three of a 22-year sentence for vehicular manslaughter and reckless endangerment. "There are no cool activities, no interesting places to go, no nothing. Mostly I just sit around."

Though he only arrived at the prison Saturday, Hayes claimed to have already exhausted every idea he had for amusing himself during his 192,852 hours of incarceration. According to prison officials, Hayes has spent the majority of the last two days either pacing his cell, humming tunelessly, or, when no other activity presents itself, masturbating.

"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" Hayes asked. "Sit-ups? I did those already. And I finished the book I brought in with me, too. At this point, I think I've literally done everything that you can possibly do in this place. How is it only Tuesday?"

Hayes then tried to kill some time by doodling, but soon grew bored.

After briefly searching for employment with the prison work program, the recently sentenced felon ultimately decided against the idea when he learned that the only position available was some dull, repetitive job making phone calls and persuading people to change their communications provider.

"The whole prison is basically just a big building full of rooms," said Hayes, who according to sources has little chance of commuting the two-decade-long sentence that he received for a drunk-driving incident last October. "By the third day you've pretty much seen everything there is to see."

On Sunday, his second day in prison, Hayes befriended a small sparrow that had perched on his windowsill, but the bird soon flew away and never returned. Since then, he's kept track of the passing time by watching the progress of shadows cast on the floor by the bars in his cell's window.

When skies are overcast, Hayes keeps a running tally of seconds passed by counting them aloud.

While his history of prior offenses will likely curry him no favor with the Oregon state parole board, the convict is holding out hope that his cell assignment will change from time to time so that he'll be able to gaze at new patterns of dust on the floor and imagine all the different shapes he can see within them.

"I'd go so far as to say this is the most bored I've been in my entire life," Hayes said after rereading the prison library's only copy of Entertainment Weekly, dated September 2006. "Look at this. Am I supposed to care what happened on Grey's Anatomy two seasons ago?"

"It's like I'm being punished," Hayes added.

Although the Sheridan facility does arrange a few special events for its inmates, including group counseling and a movie night, Hayes has been unimpressed with the calendar of activities so far.

"Last night, after they screened We Are Marshall, which I'd seen like three times before, these two guys from Block C started shoving each other and yelling in Spanish," Hayes recounted. "I figured, yeah, this is gonna be cool! Then a guard broke it up. I was like, nice one, buddy. Thanks for ruining the one moment of prison so far that was actually almost fun."

As of press time, Hayes claimed to have no plans for the immediate future, expecting only continued monotony. However, fellow inmates indicated the 38-year-old's tedium might soon be dispelled, as tomorrow he will be forcibly tattooed with a mixture of soot and urine, made to swallow six boxes of month-old fermented Juicy Juice, and compelled to shiv a rival gang member to death.

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