Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.
Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.

SHERIDAN, OR—After spending 73 hours in the Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution in northwestern Oregon, first-time inmate Martin Hayes told reporters today that he was "getting pretty tired of prison."

"Man, this is so boring," said Hayes, 38, who just completed day three of a 22-year sentence for vehicular manslaughter and reckless endangerment. "There are no cool activities, no interesting places to go, no nothing. Mostly I just sit around."

Though he only arrived at the prison Saturday, Hayes claimed to have already exhausted every idea he had for amusing himself during his 192,852 hours of incarceration. According to prison officials, Hayes has spent the majority of the last two days either pacing his cell, humming tunelessly, or, when no other activity presents itself, masturbating.

"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" Hayes asked. "Sit-ups? I did those already. And I finished the book I brought in with me, too. At this point, I think I've literally done everything that you can possibly do in this place. How is it only Tuesday?"

Hayes then tried to kill some time by doodling, but soon grew bored.

After briefly searching for employment with the prison work program, the recently sentenced felon ultimately decided against the idea when he learned that the only position available was some dull, repetitive job making phone calls and persuading people to change their communications provider.

"The whole prison is basically just a big building full of rooms," said Hayes, who according to sources has little chance of commuting the two-decade-long sentence that he received for a drunk-driving incident last October. "By the third day you've pretty much seen everything there is to see."

On Sunday, his second day in prison, Hayes befriended a small sparrow that had perched on his windowsill, but the bird soon flew away and never returned. Since then, he's kept track of the passing time by watching the progress of shadows cast on the floor by the bars in his cell's window.

When skies are overcast, Hayes keeps a running tally of seconds passed by counting them aloud.

While his history of prior offenses will likely curry him no favor with the Oregon state parole board, the convict is holding out hope that his cell assignment will change from time to time so that he'll be able to gaze at new patterns of dust on the floor and imagine all the different shapes he can see within them.

"I'd go so far as to say this is the most bored I've been in my entire life," Hayes said after rereading the prison library's only copy of Entertainment Weekly, dated September 2006. "Look at this. Am I supposed to care what happened on Grey's Anatomy two seasons ago?"

"It's like I'm being punished," Hayes added.

Although the Sheridan facility does arrange a few special events for its inmates, including group counseling and a movie night, Hayes has been unimpressed with the calendar of activities so far.

"Last night, after they screened We Are Marshall, which I'd seen like three times before, these two guys from Block C started shoving each other and yelling in Spanish," Hayes recounted. "I figured, yeah, this is gonna be cool! Then a guard broke it up. I was like, nice one, buddy. Thanks for ruining the one moment of prison so far that was actually almost fun."

As of press time, Hayes claimed to have no plans for the immediate future, expecting only continued monotony. However, fellow inmates indicated the 38-year-old's tedium might soon be dispelled, as tomorrow he will be forcibly tattooed with a mixture of soot and urine, made to swallow six boxes of month-old fermented Juicy Juice, and compelled to shiv a rival gang member to death.

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