adBlockCheck

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.
Inmate #29384 considers counting the bars again.

SHERIDAN, OR—After spending 73 hours in the Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution in northwestern Oregon, first-time inmate Martin Hayes told reporters today that he was "getting pretty tired of prison."

"Man, this is so boring," said Hayes, 38, who just completed day three of a 22-year sentence for vehicular manslaughter and reckless endangerment. "There are no cool activities, no interesting places to go, no nothing. Mostly I just sit around."

Though he only arrived at the prison Saturday, Hayes claimed to have already exhausted every idea he had for amusing himself during his 192,852 hours of incarceration. According to prison officials, Hayes has spent the majority of the last two days either pacing his cell, humming tunelessly, or, when no other activity presents itself, masturbating.

"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" Hayes asked. "Sit-ups? I did those already. And I finished the book I brought in with me, too. At this point, I think I've literally done everything that you can possibly do in this place. How is it only Tuesday?"

Hayes then tried to kill some time by doodling, but soon grew bored.

After briefly searching for employment with the prison work program, the recently sentenced felon ultimately decided against the idea when he learned that the only position available was some dull, repetitive job making phone calls and persuading people to change their communications provider.

"The whole prison is basically just a big building full of rooms," said Hayes, who according to sources has little chance of commuting the two-decade-long sentence that he received for a drunk-driving incident last October. "By the third day you've pretty much seen everything there is to see."

On Sunday, his second day in prison, Hayes befriended a small sparrow that had perched on his windowsill, but the bird soon flew away and never returned. Since then, he's kept track of the passing time by watching the progress of shadows cast on the floor by the bars in his cell's window.

When skies are overcast, Hayes keeps a running tally of seconds passed by counting them aloud.

While his history of prior offenses will likely curry him no favor with the Oregon state parole board, the convict is holding out hope that his cell assignment will change from time to time so that he'll be able to gaze at new patterns of dust on the floor and imagine all the different shapes he can see within them.

"I'd go so far as to say this is the most bored I've been in my entire life," Hayes said after rereading the prison library's only copy of Entertainment Weekly, dated September 2006. "Look at this. Am I supposed to care what happened on Grey's Anatomy two seasons ago?"

"It's like I'm being punished," Hayes added.

Although the Sheridan facility does arrange a few special events for its inmates, including group counseling and a movie night, Hayes has been unimpressed with the calendar of activities so far.

"Last night, after they screened We Are Marshall, which I'd seen like three times before, these two guys from Block C started shoving each other and yelling in Spanish," Hayes recounted. "I figured, yeah, this is gonna be cool! Then a guard broke it up. I was like, nice one, buddy. Thanks for ruining the one moment of prison so far that was actually almost fun."

As of press time, Hayes claimed to have no plans for the immediate future, expecting only continued monotony. However, fellow inmates indicated the 38-year-old's tedium might soon be dispelled, as tomorrow he will be forcibly tattooed with a mixture of soot and urine, made to swallow six boxes of month-old fermented Juicy Juice, and compelled to shiv a rival gang member to death.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close