Area Man An Avid Weightgainer

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Vol 35 Issue 45

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG Music Service. "Wow, I thought for sure I'd lost them," said Brower, who still owes $19.11 for Belly's King—the featured alternative-rock selection for November 1995—which she received after failing to fill out her response card in time. "Those guys really know how to find a person." Brower is also on the run from Columbia House, to whom she owes $41.04 for Soul Asylum's Grave Dancers Union and Toad The Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea.

Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967. "Hey, check it out—this one's been here since '67," Brad McEvoy, 14, told friend Todd Tyler, 13, while trying to find the library book with the longest unborrowed streak Monday. "Dude, that's like 30 years." Despite the disuse, Houghton-Mifflin, the book's publisher, said it stands behind The Wondrous World Of Fishes, calling it "an exciting, educational look at life beneath the sea."

AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained right ankle examined by a doctor. "Fuck it, I give," said Furness, who twisted the ankle while mowing his lawn Friday. "I thought it might go away by itself, or just with a little ice, but the bastard's all swollen up like a cow's." After driving 12 miles to his doctor's office using only his left foot, Furness was subjected to a 20-minute lecture from his physician on the importance of prompt medical attention.

Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

The Belfast Accord

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the agreement?
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Area Man An Avid Weightgainer

MESQUITE, TX—Singlemindedly focused on his goal of adding inches to his stomach, thighs and hips, area resident Darren Steifler has for more than five years been an avid weightgainer.

Weightgaining enthusiast Darren Steifler rests in between sets of abdomen-building toffee crunches.

"I've worked hard and really seen results," said the 295-pound Steifler, 38, who describes himself as "much happier and more well-rounded" since beginning his weightgaining regimen in April 1994. "I've bulked up significantly. And people are definitely noticing the results."

Steifler, who weighed just 165 pounds when he began, said he advocates an all-out approach to weightgaining.

"A lot of guys think that three big sessions a day are all you need to get big," said Steifler while doing a set of 20 fork lifts. "But you've got to keep at it all the time."

Steifler keeps his workout varied throughout the week, "blasting his abdominals" with multiple sets of chili-cheese fries one day, then "packing his glutes" with a hardcore Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey session the next.

Cardiac fitness is also important. "I usually do 30 toffee crunches, followed by at least 40 chip dips—enough to really 'feel the burn' in my heart," Steifler said. "If you do it right, you feel it in your whole chest for hours. Then I use a high-quality dietary supplement, such as Tums or Rolaids, to keep it all from coming back on me."

Steifler also stressed the importance of rest. "When you're on a serious weightgaining regimen, you have to make sure to give your body plenty of down time," Steifler said. "I'd recommend sitting on the couch at least seven hours a day, ideally 10. You really want to avoid any empty calorie-burning."

One of the best things about weightgaining, Steifler said, is that the average person needs no fancy equipment to get started.

"Sure, you see a lot of guys who buy expensive La-Z-Boys and join supper clubs, but you really don't need all that," Steifler said. "All you really need is some fried chicken and a basic kitchen chair or couch. You honestly can do it all right from your own home."

Steifler's wife of seven years, Denise, said she is impressed with her husband's new body.

"I could see the change in him right away," Denise said. "Some girls don't like the bulked-up look, but I just think there's more of him to love."

Though Steifler is pleased that Denise is supportive of his weightgaining efforts, he would rather she not take up the sport.

"It might sound weird, but I don't really like the look of female weightgainers," Steifler said. "That kinda stuff really turns some guys on, but I just don't think it's feminine. To me, it just looks gross."

Still, Steifler wholeheartedly recommends his hobby. "You'll be surprised how soon you see results," Steifler said. "Don't expect to see significant gains right away, but if you stick with it, within a year, you'll hardly recognize yourself."

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