adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man An Expert On What Women Hate

HOUSTON–A self-professed expert on the fairer sex, 31-year-old Houston resident Gerald Doelpe says he knows exactly what women hate.

Gerald Doelpe.

"Make sure you don't come on too strong tonight," Doelpe advised friend Joel Bartolo last Saturday before a first date. "Trust me, women don't like it when you come on too strong, kissing their hands and arms a lot on the first date. So be careful about showering them with too much affection, because it will backfire."

Even though Doelpe's friends rarely see him around women, they say he is always more than willing to dispense advice on the subject of what they dislike.

"A few months ago, I was heading out to an Astros game with this girl, when Gerald suggested I change my shoes," said Tony Andruss, Doelpe's friend and college roommate. "In his experience, women really hate tennis shoes. He said that when you wear tennis shoes on a date, especially navy Converse hightops, it makes them feel like they're not special enough for you to wear nice shoes, and they probably won't be willing to go out with you again no matter how much you beg."

Continued Andruss: "One time, Gerald asked me what I was making for a girl I'd invited over for dinner. When I said I was making a handmade portabello-and-roasted-pepper pizza, he freaked out. He kept telling me how you should never have a girl over for pizza because they get insulted. He said even if you order a really nice, professionally made pizza from Domino's, they hate it."

Among other behaviors Doelpe says women hate: dominating a conversation, tickling women while they wait to go to the bathroom, ending every sentence with "I'm just kidding," not covering your mouth when you cough, comparing women's bodies to those of famous porn stars, and nicknaming women you meet at bars "Little Miss Sassy Pants."

Though Doelpe's expert opinion is generally ignored, his advice occasionally seems worthwhile.

"One time, Gerald told me that women hate it when guys play air-guitar, especially to AC/DC," friend Peter Giaza said. "Then, a few days later, I was at this bar with this cute girl, and 'You Shook Me All Night Long' came on the jukebox and I unconsciously started air-guitaring. I thought the night went well, but she never returned any of my phone calls after that. I remember thinking maybe he was right."

Despite being such an authority on women, Doelpe is currently single, calling himself a "confirmed bachelor." Many, however, believe Doelpe's singlehood is not a choice, but the result of him not practicing what he preaches.

"He could probably actually get a date if he just did half the stuff he's always telling us to do," Andruss said. "I mean, how many times has he told me that women hate guys who have dirt under their nails? Take a look at his fingernails sometime. You could grow potatoes under there."

"Every day, Gerald seems to learn something new about what women hate," Giaza said. "He truly is a master of the don'ts and don'ts of dating."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close