Area Man An Expert On What Women Hate

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Vol 37 Issue 25

Hair Weave Shaved Off

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.

Man Realizes He Shouldn't Have Told Girl On Phone He Was Taking Dump

GRANBURY, TX–Moments after ending an on-the-toilet phone conversation with a female friend, Bruce Halpern realized Monday that his candor regarding his whereabouts may have been ill-advised. "That was dumb," Halpern said to himself following the call. "I've told lots of guy friends that I was taking a dump while talking to them, but Julie seemed pretty grossed out." Halpern made a mental note to explain the echo effect in future phone calls by saying he is in the garage.

Police Use Exact Right Amount Of Force To Subdue Suspect

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect Reggie Clifton. "Officers [Brendan] Ford and [Matt] Molloy did a terrific job, putting the suspect in a restraining headlock that was strong enough to immobilize him, yet not so strong as to accidentally cause his neck to snap," police chief Frank DeLuca said. "It should also be noted that these two exemplary officers did not open fire on the suspect when he put his hands in the air, mistakenly thinking he was reaching for a gun somewhere above his head."

The Backstreet Boys Or 'N Sync Release New Album

NEW YORK–Pop, the hotly anticipated new album from either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync, hit record stores Tuesday. "I'm pretty sure this is Backstreet Boys, because that's the band where The Tough One has the goatee and the beads in his hair but no blond streaks, right?" said David Blitz, manager of the Times Square Virgin Megastore where the band made a special in-store appearance Monday before thousands of screaming fans. "Whichever band this is, though, they're definitely poised to take back their crown from the other band." The new album is said to reflect either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync's maturing sound, with several darker tracks exploring the perils of fame.

The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?

Jordan Ponders A Comeback

Michael Jordan, mulling a return to basketball, has said he will make a decision by mid-September. What enticements has the NBA offered to lure him back?

Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host

Bonita Salinas-Vicario is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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Area Man An Expert On What Women Hate

HOUSTON–A self-professed expert on the fairer sex, 31-year-old Houston resident Gerald Doelpe says he knows exactly what women hate.

Gerald Doelpe.

"Make sure you don't come on too strong tonight," Doelpe advised friend Joel Bartolo last Saturday before a first date. "Trust me, women don't like it when you come on too strong, kissing their hands and arms a lot on the first date. So be careful about showering them with too much affection, because it will backfire."

Even though Doelpe's friends rarely see him around women, they say he is always more than willing to dispense advice on the subject of what they dislike.

"A few months ago, I was heading out to an Astros game with this girl, when Gerald suggested I change my shoes," said Tony Andruss, Doelpe's friend and college roommate. "In his experience, women really hate tennis shoes. He said that when you wear tennis shoes on a date, especially navy Converse hightops, it makes them feel like they're not special enough for you to wear nice shoes, and they probably won't be willing to go out with you again no matter how much you beg."

Continued Andruss: "One time, Gerald asked me what I was making for a girl I'd invited over for dinner. When I said I was making a handmade portabello-and-roasted-pepper pizza, he freaked out. He kept telling me how you should never have a girl over for pizza because they get insulted. He said even if you order a really nice, professionally made pizza from Domino's, they hate it."

Among other behaviors Doelpe says women hate: dominating a conversation, tickling women while they wait to go to the bathroom, ending every sentence with "I'm just kidding," not covering your mouth when you cough, comparing women's bodies to those of famous porn stars, and nicknaming women you meet at bars "Little Miss Sassy Pants."

Though Doelpe's expert opinion is generally ignored, his advice occasionally seems worthwhile.

"One time, Gerald told me that women hate it when guys play air-guitar, especially to AC/DC," friend Peter Giaza said. "Then, a few days later, I was at this bar with this cute girl, and 'You Shook Me All Night Long' came on the jukebox and I unconsciously started air-guitaring. I thought the night went well, but she never returned any of my phone calls after that. I remember thinking maybe he was right."

Despite being such an authority on women, Doelpe is currently single, calling himself a "confirmed bachelor." Many, however, believe Doelpe's singlehood is not a choice, but the result of him not practicing what he preaches.

"He could probably actually get a date if he just did half the stuff he's always telling us to do," Andruss said. "I mean, how many times has he told me that women hate guys who have dirt under their nails? Take a look at his fingernails sometime. You could grow potatoes under there."

"Every day, Gerald seems to learn something new about what women hate," Giaza said. "He truly is a master of the don'ts and don'ts of dating."

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