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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off

BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he’s beginning to suspect his employer may have given his staff the day off for Memorial Day. “I figured people might be rolling in a little late on a Monday, but it’s well past noon at this point,” Wyner said while furtively scanning the rows of vacant cubicles in his noiseless, unlit office. “The company didn’t send any kind of email about having Memorial Day off. At least I don’t think they did. Did we have it off last year?” At press time, a phone call made by Wyner to his supervisor had gone directly to voicemail.

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