Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off

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Vol 49 Issue 22

Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.
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Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off

BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he’s beginning to suspect his employer may have given his staff the day off for Memorial Day. “I figured people might be rolling in a little late on a Monday, but it’s well past noon at this point,” Wyner said while furtively scanning the rows of vacant cubicles in his noiseless, unlit office. “The company didn’t send any kind of email about having Memorial Day off. At least I don’t think they did. Did we have it off last year?” At press time, a phone call made by Wyner to his supervisor had gone directly to voicemail.

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