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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off

BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he’s beginning to suspect his employer may have given his staff the day off for Memorial Day. “I figured people might be rolling in a little late on a Monday, but it’s well past noon at this point,” Wyner said while furtively scanning the rows of vacant cubicles in his noiseless, unlit office. “The company didn’t send any kind of email about having Memorial Day off. At least I don’t think they did. Did we have it off last year?” At press time, a phone call made by Wyner to his supervisor had gone directly to voicemail.

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