Area Man Believes In Existence Of Masking Tape Somewhere Out There In Garage

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Vol 35 Issue 29

Quake Claims 500 Hours

SAN FRANCISCO—Rescue workers are still searching frantically for any signs of unwasted time in the wreckage of high-school student Jeremy Fanshaw's life, following a devastating Quake game that claimed an estimated 500 hours of his time.

Local Mother Clips Article About Benefits Of Vitamin E

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In her most recent attempt to feel relevant and necessary in the life of her daughter, area retiree Frances Crandall clipped and mailed a Parade magazine article on the health benefits of Vitamin E to daughter Jennifer Reid of St. Paul, MN, Monday. "Jenny needs to see this," Crandall said. "She can use all the health information she can get, considering how active she is at the bank." In the past month, Crandall has mailed Reid two Reader's Digest articles, the Bill Cosby book Kids Say The Darndest Things, and a sock-drawer organizer that will "keep her socks from getting all mixed up." Crandall also telephoned Reid twice when the Weather Channel predicted rain in the Twin Cities area.

Dog Costumed To Create Illusion Of Sports-Team Preference

APPLETON, WI—Queenie, a 6-year-old Appleton golden retriever, was dressed in a manner making her appear partial to the Green Bay Packers Saturday, when owner Mike Modjieska stuffed the dog into a green-and-gold Packer T-shirt prior to the start of a preseason game against the New York Jets. "I'm a Packer Backer, my wife's a Packer Backer, and Queenie's the biggest Packer Backer of all," said Modjieska, filling Queenie's Green Bay Packers water dish. "I wouldn't own a dog that supported any other NFL team." Modjieska said Queenie's favorite players are Brett Favre, Mark Chmura and Antonio Freeman.

Cable-TV Judge Overruled By Network-TV Judge

NEW YORK—A pro-plaintiff decision by Judge Joseph Wapner of Animal Planet's "Animal Court" was overturned Monday upon appeal to Judge Joe Brown of the eponymous syndicated network program. "Although the general spirit of the law states that owners of dogs are responsible for their dogs' actions, there is clearly evidence of provocation on the victim's part," Brown wrote in his decision in the precedent-setting case "Dog Bites Man." "Now don't give me that eye." Losing plaintiff Oscar Croydon refused to concede defeat in the case, vowing, "I'll take this to the highest ratings bracket in the land if I have to."

Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card

FOSTER CITY, CA—In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus credit card Monday. "With its zero percent introductory interest rate, credit line of up to $500,000 and impressive 962º Celsius boiling point, Polonium Plus is the only choice for the discriminating shopper," said Visa scientist Dr. Andrew Manzanillo, one of the developers of the radioactive, no-fee card. "And with more isotopes than any other card, Polonium Plus isn't going to decay any time soon." Polonium cardholders who maintain a good credit record for three years will automatically be eligible for the inert Xenon Card, which comes in an attractive glass tube.

I Must Not Be Stolen

As many of you doubt-less know, my current situation is less than secure. I have, of late, been stolen no less than twice: Once, I was waylaid by Black Scarlet and Mr. Tin, and, more recently, I was abducted and abandoned deep within the bowels of my own 652-room mansion. To top it all off, Standish has fallen into a large fortune, giving me cause to doubt even his loyalty.

Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to go out with new soulmate Mandy Damrush.
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Area Man Believes In Existence Of Masking Tape Somewhere Out There In Garage

CLOVIS, NM—Staring out into a vast, black expanse of storage space, Clovis resident Harold Randall restated his deep conviction in the existence of more masking tape in the garage Monday.

Harold Randall, who stands firmly by his conviction that there is a roll of tape.

"I know it might sound strange to some people," Randall said, "but, yes, even though I do not have one piece of conclusive evidence, I still very much believe that there's more tape out there."

Randall continued: "I mean, just look—it's a huge garage. Huge and filled with an awe-inspiring variety of odds and ends... Don't you think there just has to be masking tape out there somewhere?"

Despite Randall's confidence, Judith, his wife of 11 years, said that unless he can come up with hard proof of the tape's existence among the hundreds of boxes and cabinet shelves out in the garage, he should go to the hardware store and buy a new roll.

"Judy doesn't understand that it just doesn't work that way," Randall said. "She keeps telling me I should get out there and buy new tape. I don't have to, because I know--somehow, I just know--that the tape is out there. And when the time comes that I really need that tape, it will be there for me. I'm not worried."

Besides, Randall said, proof of the tape's existence is all around the house, if only Judith would look. As evidence, Randall cited a pair of free-standing TV trays.

"You see those TV trays? Do you think they just fixed themselves?" Randall asked his wife. "Hardly. It was tape. If you open up your eyes and mind, you'll see for yourself. It's the same tape that I know in my heart is out in that garage right now."

Randall's faith in tape is not shared by friend and neighbor Geoff Van Ness.

"I know he's a big masking-tape-in-the-garage believer, but I guess I only believe in what I can see and touch, not something so abstract," said Van Ness. "I mean, I know my hot-glue gun's right there on the kitchen shelf, and I can pick it up right in my hands any time I need to join two clean, dry surfaces together."

Told of his neighbor's comments, Randall smiled.

"I don't expect Geoff to believe in the possibility of tape," Randall said. "But to tell you the truth, I kind of feel sorry for him. Non-believers like him go through their whole lives without any sense of wonder, any sense of the possibilities. It's a great big garage out there."

Disregarding Randall's objections, Judith recently added masking tape to her Wal-Mart shopping list. She plans to have a new roll in the kitchen closet by the end of the week.

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