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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Man Believes In Existence Of Masking Tape Somewhere Out There In Garage

CLOVIS, NM—Staring out into a vast, black expanse of storage space, Clovis resident Harold Randall restated his deep conviction in the existence of more masking tape in the garage Monday.

Harold Randall, who stands firmly by his conviction that there is a roll of tape.

"I know it might sound strange to some people," Randall said, "but, yes, even though I do not have one piece of conclusive evidence, I still very much believe that there's more tape out there."

Randall continued: "I mean, just look—it's a huge garage. Huge and filled with an awe-inspiring variety of odds and ends... Don't you think there just has to be masking tape out there somewhere?"

Despite Randall's confidence, Judith, his wife of 11 years, said that unless he can come up with hard proof of the tape's existence among the hundreds of boxes and cabinet shelves out in the garage, he should go to the hardware store and buy a new roll.

"Judy doesn't understand that it just doesn't work that way," Randall said. "She keeps telling me I should get out there and buy new tape. I don't have to, because I know--somehow, I just know--that the tape is out there. And when the time comes that I really need that tape, it will be there for me. I'm not worried."

Besides, Randall said, proof of the tape's existence is all around the house, if only Judith would look. As evidence, Randall cited a pair of free-standing TV trays.

"You see those TV trays? Do you think they just fixed themselves?" Randall asked his wife. "Hardly. It was tape. If you open up your eyes and mind, you'll see for yourself. It's the same tape that I know in my heart is out in that garage right now."

Randall's faith in tape is not shared by friend and neighbor Geoff Van Ness.

"I know he's a big masking-tape-in-the-garage believer, but I guess I only believe in what I can see and touch, not something so abstract," said Van Ness. "I mean, I know my hot-glue gun's right there on the kitchen shelf, and I can pick it up right in my hands any time I need to join two clean, dry surfaces together."

Told of his neighbor's comments, Randall smiled.

"I don't expect Geoff to believe in the possibility of tape," Randall said. "But to tell you the truth, I kind of feel sorry for him. Non-believers like him go through their whole lives without any sense of wonder, any sense of the possibilities. It's a great big garage out there."

Disregarding Randall's objections, Judith recently added masking tape to her Wal-Mart shopping list. She plans to have a new roll in the kitchen closet by the end of the week.

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