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WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Area Man Believes In Existence Of Masking Tape Somewhere Out There In Garage

CLOVIS, NM—Staring out into a vast, black expanse of storage space, Clovis resident Harold Randall restated his deep conviction in the existence of more masking tape in the garage Monday.

Harold Randall, who stands firmly by his conviction that there is a roll of tape.

"I know it might sound strange to some people," Randall said, "but, yes, even though I do not have one piece of conclusive evidence, I still very much believe that there's more tape out there."

Randall continued: "I mean, just look—it's a huge garage. Huge and filled with an awe-inspiring variety of odds and ends... Don't you think there just has to be masking tape out there somewhere?"

Despite Randall's confidence, Judith, his wife of 11 years, said that unless he can come up with hard proof of the tape's existence among the hundreds of boxes and cabinet shelves out in the garage, he should go to the hardware store and buy a new roll.

"Judy doesn't understand that it just doesn't work that way," Randall said. "She keeps telling me I should get out there and buy new tape. I don't have to, because I know--somehow, I just know--that the tape is out there. And when the time comes that I really need that tape, it will be there for me. I'm not worried."

Besides, Randall said, proof of the tape's existence is all around the house, if only Judith would look. As evidence, Randall cited a pair of free-standing TV trays.

"You see those TV trays? Do you think they just fixed themselves?" Randall asked his wife. "Hardly. It was tape. If you open up your eyes and mind, you'll see for yourself. It's the same tape that I know in my heart is out in that garage right now."

Randall's faith in tape is not shared by friend and neighbor Geoff Van Ness.

"I know he's a big masking-tape-in-the-garage believer, but I guess I only believe in what I can see and touch, not something so abstract," said Van Ness. "I mean, I know my hot-glue gun's right there on the kitchen shelf, and I can pick it up right in my hands any time I need to join two clean, dry surfaces together."

Told of his neighbor's comments, Randall smiled.

"I don't expect Geoff to believe in the possibility of tape," Randall said. "But to tell you the truth, I kind of feel sorry for him. Non-believers like him go through their whole lives without any sense of wonder, any sense of the possibilities. It's a great big garage out there."

Disregarding Randall's objections, Judith recently added masking tape to her Wal-Mart shopping list. She plans to have a new roll in the kitchen closet by the end of the week.

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