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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins

CHESTERFIELD, MO—Steeling himself for the long journey ahead, local man and father of three John Cantrell reportedly bid a tearful farewell to his family Thursday, expressing good wishes to his loved ones prior to the commencement of the 2013 NFL season. “Deborah, kids, it looks like I’ll be going away for a while,” said Cantrell, adding that, following the kickoff of the season-opening matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos, his family wouldn’t see or be able to contact him for the next five months. “I know it’s going to be tough, but, hey, I’ll be back before you know it. Now don’t you cry, Josh. You’re the man of the house now. I need you to watch out for your mom and sisters, okay? God, I love you all so much.” As in past years, depending on the performance of the St. Louis Rams this season, sources noted that Cantrell might actually return to his family in as little as eight weeks.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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