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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins

CHESTERFIELD, MO—Steeling himself for the long journey ahead, local man and father of three John Cantrell reportedly bid a tearful farewell to his family Thursday, expressing good wishes to his loved ones prior to the commencement of the 2013 NFL season. “Deborah, kids, it looks like I’ll be going away for a while,” said Cantrell, adding that, following the kickoff of the season-opening matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos, his family wouldn’t see or be able to contact him for the next five months. “I know it’s going to be tough, but, hey, I’ll be back before you know it. Now don’t you cry, Josh. You’re the man of the house now. I need you to watch out for your mom and sisters, okay? God, I love you all so much.” As in past years, depending on the performance of the St. Louis Rams this season, sources noted that Cantrell might actually return to his family in as little as eight weeks.

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