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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins

CHESTERFIELD, MO—Steeling himself for the long journey ahead, local man and father of three John Cantrell reportedly bid a tearful farewell to his family Thursday, expressing good wishes to his loved ones prior to the commencement of the 2013 NFL season. “Deborah, kids, it looks like I’ll be going away for a while,” said Cantrell, adding that, following the kickoff of the season-opening matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos, his family wouldn’t see or be able to contact him for the next five months. “I know it’s going to be tough, but, hey, I’ll be back before you know it. Now don’t you cry, Josh. You’re the man of the house now. I need you to watch out for your mom and sisters, okay? God, I love you all so much.” As in past years, depending on the performance of the St. Louis Rams this season, sources noted that Cantrell might actually return to his family in as little as eight weeks.

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