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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Man Bored With All The Porn He Owns

BREAUX BRIDGE, LA—Gil Peterson has grown tired of his current collection of sexually explicit videotapes, DVDs, and magazines, the 44-year-old delivery-truck driver said Monday. "I tried to rewatch Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts again, but it was so boring," Peterson said. "I mean, how many times can you watch the same set of twins double-team the black guy on the back of a motorcycle?" Peterson said he will have one more look at the tape, but can't promise he'll achieve orgasm.

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