adBlockCheck

Local

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins

TALLAHASSEE, FL—With tensions already at an all-time high, the nearly 96-hour standoff between area resident Anthony Shepard and his hypothalamus came to a head Monday when the 32-year-old called for the immediate release of all endorphins back into his bloodstream.

Shepard says he refuses to negotiate and demands an end to all hostilities.

While motivations behind the assault remain unclear, it now appears that Shepard's hypothalamus seized control of his nervous, limbic, and endocrine systems late Thursday night, killing several innocent physical desires such as appetite and sexual drive in the ensuing synaptic fire.

"Earlier this week, events took place between my cerebrum's temporal lobes that can only be described as criminal," said Shepard, who told reporters he was first saddened, then angered, abruptly overjoyed, and saddened again to  hear about the complete deregulation of his emotions. "To the nefarious gland responsible for this cowardly act, I know you can hear me. I demand, in no uncertain terms, that you surrender and cease all hostilities at once."

"We have you completely surrounded," Shepard added.

Shepard, who has been thrown in the middle of many intracranial hostage situations, including a three-day confrontation with hostile serotonin-detaining neurons in 2004, said he was initially confident that a peaceful resolution could once again be reached. Despite working tirelessly with his body's natural-crisis unit, however, Shepard has so far run up against a brick wall, failing repeatedly to convince the hypothalamus that freeing its endorphins is in the best interest of all parties involved.

"Every reasonable alternative has been examined and exhausted; every rational avenue, from acupuncture to chocolate, explored to no avail," said Shepard, who eventually gave in to three of the gland's physical demands Friday, delivering bouts of uncontrollable crying over breakfast, six hours of fitful sleep during the afternoon and early evening, and the complete omission of supper in exchange for the recovery of two anti-stress hormones. Neither has been freed.

"This is your final warning," said Shepard, addressing the hypothalamus from his kitchen table. "I don't want to have to resort to force, but if left with no other option, I will. Time is running out for all of us."

Although Shepard is outwardly calm and collected, inside sources claim the standoff has begun to take a psychological toll.

"His mood swings are becoming increasingly erratic, he complains about having difficulty concentrating, and it often feels like he's lost all interest in previously pleasurable activities," said close friend Dorothy Janis, who claims Shepard has also exhibited excessive guilt over the tense situation. "I know Michael is trying his best to stay positive, but with each hour that passes, I can tell he's losing hope."

"I worry that unless the endorphins are released soon, Michael may try something desperate," Janis added.

With his hypothalamus' deadline fast approaching, Shepard told reporters he was prepared to take "drastic action" in order to avoid potential backlash from "countless bodily functions."

As of press time, Shepard was traveling to a Blockbuster Video store, where he intended to rent the films Notting Hill, The Runaway Bride, and Sleepless In Seattle for immediate viewing.

"These are the difficult and painful decisions we sometimes have to make," Shepard said. "I didn't want for it to have to come to this. God knows, I really didn't want it to have to come to this."

More from this section

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close