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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

ELMIRA, NY—Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting advanced vapor action of Halls Mentho-lyptus™ cough drops.

Maurice Weathers (inset) breathes in the wavy, sinus-clearing vapors of doctor-recommended Halls Mentho-lyptus<SUP>&#153;</SUP> cough drops.

"It's a proven fact that Halls, the brand you've trusted for nearly a century, alleviates the discomfort associated with cold-related coughs for as much as 12 hours," said Dr. Richard Marin, an ears, nose and throat specialist at the famed Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. "But don't take my word for it: Take Maurice Weathers'."

"When I first heard about Halls, I was skeptical," said Weathers, who had been suffering from flu symptoms since Dec. 3. "Other leading cough-drop brands had failed me before. And this was one tough cold."

Weathers said his wife Nicole urged him to try the product, saying that her grandmother "used to swear by it." "When Nicole said that, I thought to myself, 'Her grandmother? That must have been an awful long time ago,'" Weathers said. "Times have changed, and so have colds."

Despite his reservations, after more urging from his wife, Weathers took a Halls.

"I figured, what could it hurt? I'll give it a shot," Weathers said. "And you know what? Just one lozenge cleared my nasal passages and soothed the redness in my throat within minutes. I could actually feel the advanced vapor action working."

So effective was the advanced vapor action of Halls, Weathers was back on his feet in just minutes.

"Nicole just about did a double take when she saw me wearing my overcoat and toting my briefcase as I headed for the door," Weathers said. "She said to me, 'I thought you called in sick. What's wrong?'"

Continued Weathers: "I just held up the roll of Halls she gave me and said with a smile, 'You mean, what's right?!'"

Halls spokesman Howard Rubenstein said he is not surprised by Weathers' success with the product.

"With cold and flu season upon us, people want relief—fast," Rubenstein said. "And the advanced vapor action of Halls provides just that. Containing "mentho-lyptus," an active ingredient distilled from eucalyptus leaves, Halls is laboratory-proven to relieve the throat soreness associated with coughs and colds."

"And now, with new Aspen Wintermint and Soothing Strawberry flavors," Rubenstein said, "advanced vapor action never tasted so good."

Added Rubenstein: "If Dr. Josiah Halls, the young Columbia University chemistry student who first synthesized mentho-lyptus and blended it into glucose lozenges in 1924, could see what his invention has done for cold and flu sufferers the world over, he would be proud."

One of those sufferers—or, rather, former sufferers—won't ever doubt the power of Halls again.

"Advanced vapor action—who would have known it could be so effective?" Weathers asked. "But just one Halls gave me relief for hours. So long, other leading brands. From now on, it's Halls for me."

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