Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

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Vol 35 Issue 45

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG Music Service. "Wow, I thought for sure I'd lost them," said Brower, who still owes $19.11 for Belly's King—the featured alternative-rock selection for November 1995—which she received after failing to fill out her response card in time. "Those guys really know how to find a person." Brower is also on the run from Columbia House, to whom she owes $41.04 for Soul Asylum's Grave Dancers Union and Toad The Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea.

Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967. "Hey, check it out—this one's been here since '67," Brad McEvoy, 14, told friend Todd Tyler, 13, while trying to find the library book with the longest unborrowed streak Monday. "Dude, that's like 30 years." Despite the disuse, Houghton-Mifflin, the book's publisher, said it stands behind The Wondrous World Of Fishes, calling it "an exciting, educational look at life beneath the sea."

AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained right ankle examined by a doctor. "Fuck it, I give," said Furness, who twisted the ankle while mowing his lawn Friday. "I thought it might go away by itself, or just with a little ice, but the bastard's all swollen up like a cow's." After driving 12 miles to his doctor's office using only his left foot, Furness was subjected to a 20-minute lecture from his physician on the importance of prompt medical attention.

Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

The Belfast Accord

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the agreement?

A Blessed Event

I have just received a telegram from my mistress and sweet-heart, Miss Bernadette Fiske, that says she has given birth to a bouncing baby boy of my own siring, and that I should please send more money. I am a papa once again! Huzzah!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Entertainment

Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

ELMIRA, NY—Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting advanced vapor action of Halls Mentho-lyptus™ cough drops.

Maurice Weathers (inset) breathes in the wavy, sinus-clearing vapors of doctor-recommended Halls Mentho-lyptus<SUP>&#153;</SUP> cough drops.

"It's a proven fact that Halls, the brand you've trusted for nearly a century, alleviates the discomfort associated with cold-related coughs for as much as 12 hours," said Dr. Richard Marin, an ears, nose and throat specialist at the famed Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. "But don't take my word for it: Take Maurice Weathers'."

"When I first heard about Halls, I was skeptical," said Weathers, who had been suffering from flu symptoms since Dec. 3. "Other leading cough-drop brands had failed me before. And this was one tough cold."

Weathers said his wife Nicole urged him to try the product, saying that her grandmother "used to swear by it." "When Nicole said that, I thought to myself, 'Her grandmother? That must have been an awful long time ago,'" Weathers said. "Times have changed, and so have colds."

Despite his reservations, after more urging from his wife, Weathers took a Halls.

"I figured, what could it hurt? I'll give it a shot," Weathers said. "And you know what? Just one lozenge cleared my nasal passages and soothed the redness in my throat within minutes. I could actually feel the advanced vapor action working."

So effective was the advanced vapor action of Halls, Weathers was back on his feet in just minutes.

"Nicole just about did a double take when she saw me wearing my overcoat and toting my briefcase as I headed for the door," Weathers said. "She said to me, 'I thought you called in sick. What's wrong?'"

Continued Weathers: "I just held up the roll of Halls she gave me and said with a smile, 'You mean, what's right?!'"

Halls spokesman Howard Rubenstein said he is not surprised by Weathers' success with the product.

"With cold and flu season upon us, people want relief—fast," Rubenstein said. "And the advanced vapor action of Halls provides just that. Containing "mentho-lyptus," an active ingredient distilled from eucalyptus leaves, Halls is laboratory-proven to relieve the throat soreness associated with coughs and colds."

"And now, with new Aspen Wintermint and Soothing Strawberry flavors," Rubenstein said, "advanced vapor action never tasted so good."

Added Rubenstein: "If Dr. Josiah Halls, the young Columbia University chemistry student who first synthesized mentho-lyptus and blended it into glucose lozenges in 1924, could see what his invention has done for cold and flu sufferers the world over, he would be proud."

One of those sufferers—or, rather, former sufferers—won't ever doubt the power of Halls again.

"Advanced vapor action—who would have known it could be so effective?" Weathers asked. "But just one Halls gave me relief for hours. So long, other leading brands. From now on, it's Halls for me."

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