adBlockCheck

Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working

ELMIRA, NY—Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting advanced vapor action of Halls Mentho-lyptus™ cough drops.

Maurice Weathers (inset) breathes in the wavy, sinus-clearing vapors of doctor-recommended Halls Mentho-lyptus<SUP>&#153;</SUP> cough drops.

"It's a proven fact that Halls, the brand you've trusted for nearly a century, alleviates the discomfort associated with cold-related coughs for as much as 12 hours," said Dr. Richard Marin, an ears, nose and throat specialist at the famed Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. "But don't take my word for it: Take Maurice Weathers'."

"When I first heard about Halls, I was skeptical," said Weathers, who had been suffering from flu symptoms since Dec. 3. "Other leading cough-drop brands had failed me before. And this was one tough cold."

Weathers said his wife Nicole urged him to try the product, saying that her grandmother "used to swear by it." "When Nicole said that, I thought to myself, 'Her grandmother? That must have been an awful long time ago,'" Weathers said. "Times have changed, and so have colds."

Despite his reservations, after more urging from his wife, Weathers took a Halls.

"I figured, what could it hurt? I'll give it a shot," Weathers said. "And you know what? Just one lozenge cleared my nasal passages and soothed the redness in my throat within minutes. I could actually feel the advanced vapor action working."

So effective was the advanced vapor action of Halls, Weathers was back on his feet in just minutes.

"Nicole just about did a double take when she saw me wearing my overcoat and toting my briefcase as I headed for the door," Weathers said. "She said to me, 'I thought you called in sick. What's wrong?'"

Continued Weathers: "I just held up the roll of Halls she gave me and said with a smile, 'You mean, what's right?!'"

Halls spokesman Howard Rubenstein said he is not surprised by Weathers' success with the product.

"With cold and flu season upon us, people want relief—fast," Rubenstein said. "And the advanced vapor action of Halls provides just that. Containing "mentho-lyptus," an active ingredient distilled from eucalyptus leaves, Halls is laboratory-proven to relieve the throat soreness associated with coughs and colds."

"And now, with new Aspen Wintermint and Soothing Strawberry flavors," Rubenstein said, "advanced vapor action never tasted so good."

Added Rubenstein: "If Dr. Josiah Halls, the young Columbia University chemistry student who first synthesized mentho-lyptus and blended it into glucose lozenges in 1924, could see what his invention has done for cold and flu sufferers the world over, he would be proud."

One of those sufferers—or, rather, former sufferers—won't ever doubt the power of Halls again.

"Advanced vapor action—who would have known it could be so effective?" Weathers asked. "But just one Halls gave me relief for hours. So long, other leading brands. From now on, it's Halls for me."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close