adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Can't Wait To Get Home To Look Out New Window

CHESHIRE, OR—Assistant sales manager Steve Gregory, 37, told reporters that he has spent his entire workday waiting for the time when he can go home and stare out of his brand-new Pella "Architect Series" double-hung window, which was scheduled to be installed at noon on Monday.

"They have the best features—constant force balancing, heavy-duty cam sweep locks, and full fine-mesh screens," he said while paging through the Pella catalog. "Soon this will all be a reality."

According to Gregory, in the coming weeks he would like to get a dog so the window has "someone to look out of it" while he and his family are gone during the day.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close