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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side Of Argument

BOISE, ID—Personnel manager Victor Hartley confirmed Wednesday that he is taking very seriously a dispute between employees Tom Gladstone and Harriet Deneve, giving the matter a great deal of thought and carefully weighing one side of the argument. "As a supervisor, I need to give equal consideration to the person telling me what I want to hear before I side with him," said Hartley, who told reporters the key to conflict resolution is ensuring there is always an open channel of communication with one of the parties involved. "On the one hand, Tom presents a very compelling case, but on the same hand, Tom is the only person I'm willing to listen to." Hartley added that he will make certain to ignore Deneve's argument one more time before breaking the bad news to her.

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