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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Area Man Claims To Be NHL Hall Of Famer

BROOKLINE, MA—According to friends and neighbors, local resident Robert Orr has repeatedly mentioned in casual conversation that he has been enshrined in the National Hockey League's Hall of Fame. "Rob's such a joker—he's always saying silly things about how he used to be this famous hockey player and how he scored all these goals and things," said neighbor Maureen Norris, who has known Orr since he was 18 and remembers him as a "hard-working boy" who used to travel out-of-state a lot for business before evidently taking early retirement. "Sometimes it's like he really believes all that baloney, though, so I usually just play along." Those closer to Orr, including his wife and two sons, became concerned about his mental health, however, when he started taking them to the annual NHL Hall of Fame induction ceremonies and pretending to know everyone in attendance.

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