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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Area Man Claims To Be NHL Hall Of Famer

BROOKLINE, MA—According to friends and neighbors, local resident Robert Orr has repeatedly mentioned in casual conversation that he has been enshrined in the National Hockey League's Hall of Fame. "Rob's such a joker—he's always saying silly things about how he used to be this famous hockey player and how he scored all these goals and things," said neighbor Maureen Norris, who has known Orr since he was 18 and remembers him as a "hard-working boy" who used to travel out-of-state a lot for business before evidently taking early retirement. "Sometimes it's like he really believes all that baloney, though, so I usually just play along." Those closer to Orr, including his wife and two sons, became concerned about his mental health, however, when he started taking them to the annual NHL Hall of Fame induction ceremonies and pretending to know everyone in attendance.

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