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Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship. “I like to keep to a pretty regular cleaning schedule, so every time I start seeing a girl, I set aside a solid half hour to give the place a good once-over,” the 28-year-old graphic designer told reporters, noting that after emptying the refrigerator of expired food, wiping off the counters, and throwing his sheets into the laundry, he can then leave his apartment untouched for “however long things between us last.” “I swept the entire apartment when Kelly and I started dating in 2012. Then I touched it up again before Alison saw it last spring. Lately, though, I have to admit I’ve kind of fallen behind, so I’ve just been heading to Jessica’s place every night to avoid having to deal with it.” Buntz added that his shower curtain, however, only requires replacement once every six relationships.

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