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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law

GREENWAY, VA—Noting with evident resentment how he just breezes through life, local sources told reporters Monday that Howard Preston, 33, seemingly coasts by solely on his good looks, tireless work ethic, and extensive real estate law expertise. “Look at that prick; I guess when you have a chiseled physique, the stamina to put in back-to-back 90-hour work weeks, and a wide-ranging knowledge of Virginia zoning codes, everything just gets served to you on a silver platter,” said Daniel Husted, 38, adding that Preston acts like he deserves the advantages afforded by his 1,000-watt smile, respected local legal practice built from the ground up, rigorous three-year law school education, and gorgeous natural blond hair. “Guess what, buddy? Not everyone can skate by on an abiding commitment to self-discipline, a scholarly passion for justice, and a pair of shining baby-blue eyes. God, the luck and unrelenting dedication of some people!” Sources further noted that Preston’s wife, Jessica, probably only married him because he’s handsome, has a stable, well-paying job, is unfailingly kind, and selflessly devotes himself to building a long-term future for his family.

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