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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy

NEWTON, KS—Auto salesman Royce Flankingston—known to frequently question waitstaff as to whether or not food is "actually" spicy, always ordering the spiciest dish on any menu, and then complaining that it is not spicy enough—recently renewed his commitment to being the spicy food aficionado in his group of friends. "Jalapeños, habañeros, those are some weak-sauce peppers, man—you got anything spicy in that salsa?" Flankingston asked his fellow Chrysler dealership employees at a company picnic last weekend, to which he brought his own sampler selection of hot sauces and dared everyone present to try them. "The famous asbestos Flankingston tongue doesn't notice anything under 10,000 Scoville units, so spare me that Heinz ketchup stuff, okay, buds?" Those close to Flankingston said that, while obnoxious, his latest obsession isn't half as bad as when he attempted to be the small-batch bourbon guy.

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