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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy

NEWTON, KS—Auto salesman Royce Flankingston—known to frequently question waitstaff as to whether or not food is "actually" spicy, always ordering the spiciest dish on any menu, and then complaining that it is not spicy enough—recently renewed his commitment to being the spicy food aficionado in his group of friends. "Jalapeños, habañeros, those are some weak-sauce peppers, man—you got anything spicy in that salsa?" Flankingston asked his fellow Chrysler dealership employees at a company picnic last weekend, to which he brought his own sampler selection of hot sauces and dared everyone present to try them. "The famous asbestos Flankingston tongue doesn't notice anything under 10,000 Scoville units, so spare me that Heinz ketchup stuff, okay, buds?" Those close to Flankingston said that, while obnoxious, his latest obsession isn't half as bad as when he attempted to be the small-batch bourbon guy.

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