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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Area Man Confident He Could Design Way Cooler Medal Stand

OGDEN, UT—During the medal ceremony for the women's 100-meter hurdles, 34-year-old Richard Bowen announced that he could totally design a much cooler Olympic podium, living room sources confirmed Friday. "It's just a stupid purple stand with a little step on it for the winner," Bowen said of the current podium, which he described as "super lame," claiming he could "whip up a way better one in no time." "I'd make it curvy on the side parts for one thing, kind of like a big wavy 'W,' and the first-place guy would be up way higher so that he stands out more. And I'd put bigger golden rings on the front with some badass green flames going around them, too." As of press time, Bowen was sketching up a few original ideas that would "blow that dumb Olympic-ring logo right out of the water" by adding "a bunch more circles."

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