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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever. “I would definitely describe myself as a feminist [insofar as that designation means that I don’t have to change any of my behaviors or attitudes in the slightest],” said MacKinnon, adding that as long as they don’t rise to an equal position, get promoted before he does, or even challenge him in a meeting, he regularly goes out of his way to help his female colleagues in the workplace. “We all have to do our part. When I see an injustice against a woman, I speak up about it [unless it might make me come across as weak in front of my male peers], and I will stand up for women’s progress each and every day [provided that, in the end, I still retain a level of gender-based privilege for the remainder of my life].” MacKinnon went on to say that he could not be more disappointed, at least in the company of women, that we did not elect a female president.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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