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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever. “I would definitely describe myself as a feminist [insofar as that designation means that I don’t have to change any of my behaviors or attitudes in the slightest],” said MacKinnon, adding that as long as they don’t rise to an equal position, get promoted before he does, or even challenge him in a meeting, he regularly goes out of his way to help his female colleagues in the workplace. “We all have to do our part. When I see an injustice against a woman, I speak up about it [unless it might make me come across as weak in front of my male peers], and I will stand up for women’s progress each and every day [provided that, in the end, I still retain a level of gender-based privilege for the remainder of my life].” MacKinnon went on to say that he could not be more disappointed, at least in the company of women, that we did not elect a female president.

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