MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust. “I truly believe that I could’ve been a terrible fit for an NFL team and flamed out of the league after a season or two,” said Parker, who was confident that he had the perfect combination of a poor attitude, a lack of focus, and an inherent laziness to fall short of expectations for a first-round draft selection. “I can definitely see myself proving that I’m incapable of handling the game at the professional level by showing up to training camp 20 to 30 pounds overweight and then sucking so bad that I end up at the bottom of the depth chart before eventually getting cut. Plus, I have no shortage of fuckup friends and family to distract me off the field until that happens.”At press time, Parker added that he could also imagine having a short NFL career and then turning to drug abuse and crime.

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