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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust. “I truly believe that I could’ve been a terrible fit for an NFL team and flamed out of the league after a season or two,” said Parker, who was confident that he had the perfect combination of a poor attitude, a lack of focus, and an inherent laziness to fall short of expectations for a first-round draft selection. “I can definitely see myself proving that I’m incapable of handling the game at the professional level by showing up to training camp 20 to 30 pounds overweight and then sucking so bad that I end up at the bottom of the depth chart before eventually getting cut. Plus, I have no shortage of fuckup friends and family to distract me off the field until that happens.”At press time, Parker added that he could also imagine having a short NFL career and then turning to drug abuse and crime.

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