Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
End Of Section
  • More News


Area Man Could Have Made Same Meal At Home But Worse

SMYRNA, GA—Disappointed after spending $25 on dinner at his local Chinese restaurant Wednesday night, local man Keith Bradelson told reporters he could have easily prepared the same meal at home but much worse. “I don’t even know why I go out to eat—I could make the same stuff in my own kitchen and it’d be far, far shittier,” said Bradelson, who explained how he could prepare an identical entree except with dry, overcooked meat, a single stuck-together mass of gummy rice, and the bland, flavorless substitution of key Szechuan spices with whatever he had lying around. “It wouldn’t even be that hard. I have a wok and some soy sauce and almost no culinary skills whatsoever. You just have to throw it all together and that’s it—you’ve got borderline inedible sesame chicken.” At press time, Bradelson vowed that the next time he was in the mood for Chinese, he’d whip himself up something so bad that he’d end up throwing it away before ordering in the real thing.


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.