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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Creeped Out By Request To 'Make Love'

WINSTON-SALEM, NC–A half-naked Patrick Fuller was thoroughly creeped out Saturday, when fellow Wake Forest University senior Alicia Echols suggested that the two "make love."

Patrick Fuller

"There we were, messing around on the couch in her apartment's living room," Fuller said. "Things were heating up, so I asked if we should go back to her bedroom in case her roommate came home. That's when she stood up and said, 'Make love to me, Patrick.'"

"It was really weird," continued Fuller, who met Echols three weeks ago and had gone on two dates with her prior to Saturday. "I mean, Alicia's definitely not the type of girl who'd say, 'Let's fuck.' But still: 'Make love to me'? That's very different than saying, 'Let's have sex.'"

"What did she mean by 'love'?" Fuller asked. "We're not even dating. I mean, we've gone out a few times, so I guess we're sort of technically casually dating, in a way, but it's not like she's my girlfriend."

Fuller said he was further creeped out when, upon entering the bedroom, Echols told him she was "ready to take you inside."

"I was thinking, this is getting kinda heavy," Fuller said. "We were just gonna have some sex, and for some reason, she's talking about it like our two souls are about to intertwine or something."

Fuller said he and Echols had kissed on their previous two dates, but nothing else. He also noted that he thought they "weren't even hitting it off all that well," which made Echols' behavior Saturday all the more surprising.

"The moment I got to Alicia's apartment, things seemed strange," Fuller said. "She had all these scented candles lit, and there was a bottle of wine to go with the spaghetti she'd made. The radio was even turned to the classical-music station. It was really inappropriately romantic. We're not, like, deep, impassioned lovers or anything like that."

"I was totally up for having some fun," Fuller said. "But then, all of a sudden, she starts talking about how 'incredibly special this night is' and how she's 'ready to open myself up to you.' I totally wasn't prepared. Did she expect me to say stuff like, 'Darling, you look radiant tonight'? Was I supposed to bring flowers? You don't do that when you're just having a little fling."

Fuller said he doesn't know what the future holds for him and Echols. For now, he simply plans to wait and see if "everything is cool."

"I don't know how things will go next time I see her. There were definitely some weird vibes Saturday night, that's for sure," Fuller said. "The sex was still pretty good, though."

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