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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Area Man Creeped Out By Request To 'Make Love'

WINSTON-SALEM, NC–A half-naked Patrick Fuller was thoroughly creeped out Saturday, when fellow Wake Forest University senior Alicia Echols suggested that the two "make love."

Patrick Fuller

"There we were, messing around on the couch in her apartment's living room," Fuller said. "Things were heating up, so I asked if we should go back to her bedroom in case her roommate came home. That's when she stood up and said, 'Make love to me, Patrick.'"

"It was really weird," continued Fuller, who met Echols three weeks ago and had gone on two dates with her prior to Saturday. "I mean, Alicia's definitely not the type of girl who'd say, 'Let's fuck.' But still: 'Make love to me'? That's very different than saying, 'Let's have sex.'"

"What did she mean by 'love'?" Fuller asked. "We're not even dating. I mean, we've gone out a few times, so I guess we're sort of technically casually dating, in a way, but it's not like she's my girlfriend."

Fuller said he was further creeped out when, upon entering the bedroom, Echols told him she was "ready to take you inside."

"I was thinking, this is getting kinda heavy," Fuller said. "We were just gonna have some sex, and for some reason, she's talking about it like our two souls are about to intertwine or something."

Fuller said he and Echols had kissed on their previous two dates, but nothing else. He also noted that he thought they "weren't even hitting it off all that well," which made Echols' behavior Saturday all the more surprising.

"The moment I got to Alicia's apartment, things seemed strange," Fuller said. "She had all these scented candles lit, and there was a bottle of wine to go with the spaghetti she'd made. The radio was even turned to the classical-music station. It was really inappropriately romantic. We're not, like, deep, impassioned lovers or anything like that."

"I was totally up for having some fun," Fuller said. "But then, all of a sudden, she starts talking about how 'incredibly special this night is' and how she's 'ready to open myself up to you.' I totally wasn't prepared. Did she expect me to say stuff like, 'Darling, you look radiant tonight'? Was I supposed to bring flowers? You don't do that when you're just having a little fling."

Fuller said he doesn't know what the future holds for him and Echols. For now, he simply plans to wait and see if "everything is cool."

"I don't know how things will go next time I see her. There were definitely some weird vibes Saturday night, that's for sure," Fuller said. "The sex was still pretty good, though."

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