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HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

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DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

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NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Man Creeped Out By Request To 'Make Love'

WINSTON-SALEM, NC–A half-naked Patrick Fuller was thoroughly creeped out Saturday, when fellow Wake Forest University senior Alicia Echols suggested that the two "make love."

Patrick Fuller

"There we were, messing around on the couch in her apartment's living room," Fuller said. "Things were heating up, so I asked if we should go back to her bedroom in case her roommate came home. That's when she stood up and said, 'Make love to me, Patrick.'"

"It was really weird," continued Fuller, who met Echols three weeks ago and had gone on two dates with her prior to Saturday. "I mean, Alicia's definitely not the type of girl who'd say, 'Let's fuck.' But still: 'Make love to me'? That's very different than saying, 'Let's have sex.'"

"What did she mean by 'love'?" Fuller asked. "We're not even dating. I mean, we've gone out a few times, so I guess we're sort of technically casually dating, in a way, but it's not like she's my girlfriend."

Fuller said he was further creeped out when, upon entering the bedroom, Echols told him she was "ready to take you inside."

"I was thinking, this is getting kinda heavy," Fuller said. "We were just gonna have some sex, and for some reason, she's talking about it like our two souls are about to intertwine or something."

Fuller said he and Echols had kissed on their previous two dates, but nothing else. He also noted that he thought they "weren't even hitting it off all that well," which made Echols' behavior Saturday all the more surprising.

"The moment I got to Alicia's apartment, things seemed strange," Fuller said. "She had all these scented candles lit, and there was a bottle of wine to go with the spaghetti she'd made. The radio was even turned to the classical-music station. It was really inappropriately romantic. We're not, like, deep, impassioned lovers or anything like that."

"I was totally up for having some fun," Fuller said. "But then, all of a sudden, she starts talking about how 'incredibly special this night is' and how she's 'ready to open myself up to you.' I totally wasn't prepared. Did she expect me to say stuff like, 'Darling, you look radiant tonight'? Was I supposed to bring flowers? You don't do that when you're just having a little fling."

Fuller said he doesn't know what the future holds for him and Echols. For now, he simply plans to wait and see if "everything is cool."

"I don't know how things will go next time I see her. There were definitely some weird vibes Saturday night, that's for sure," Fuller said. "The sex was still pretty good, though."

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