adBlockCheck

Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span

Top Headlines

Local

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span

ST. PAUL, MN—In a span of two minutes Monday, 33-year-old St. Paul resident Daniel Devore managed to criticize hazelnut coffee, Volvos, and the flag of New Mexico.

Devore ponders his next criticism.

The 120-second rant took place at Caribou Coffee in the presence of longtime friend Meredith Caranza, 31.

"Hazelnut?" said Devore as he browsed the establishment's menu. "That's coffee for people that don't like coffee but want to pretend they do. It's like drinking a candy bar. Why not just drink a glass of Nestlé Quik instead?"

"I remember thinking 'Uh-oh,'" Caranza said. "We hadn't even placed our order yet, and he was already on a roll."

Devore's criticism of hazelnut coffee continued for another 35 seconds, at which point he mysteriously transitioned to the subject of Volvos.

"You know what I can't stand is Volvos. They're, like, the most selfish car to own, but the people who drive them act like they're being all earth-conscious and socially responsible," Devore said. "What's so responsible about owning some boxy tank that'll fuck up every other car in the accident while you don't get a scratch?"

Caranza said she was mystified by the Volvo tirade.

"I have no idea what brought that on," Caranza said. "I looked out the window, scanned the paper, checked the stuff on the table, and couldn't find a single thing related to Volvos. He was obviously following some bizarre train of thought in his head."

Seconds after his Volvo diatribe died down, Devore spotted a store patron with a New Mexico flag on his backpack. He quickly shifted gears to the iron-on patch.

"Of all the 50 state flags, that has to be the stupidest one," Devore said. "It's just this bright-yellow field with, like, this bright-red crosshairs target in the middle. I suppose it's fitting, though. Gives all those desert loners and crackpots something to take aim at."

Added Devore: "Pretty much all of the state flags are lame. The only decent one is Maryland."

Devore has a long history of adopting seemingly arbitrary stances on a wide variety of subjects. In the past, he has taken aim at such diverse targets as Terry And The Pirates creator Milton Caniff, box springs, Stevie Nicks, tip jars, the History Channel, and carbonated water.

Prior to Monday, however, Devore had never railed against three subjects in so condensed a period of time.

"I've seen him spend 15 minutes talking about how stupid daylight savings time is," Caranza said. "He takes major issue with things most people don't care about enough to think about, much less form an opinion on. But even by his standards, the hazelnut-Volvo-New Mexico-flag thing was pretty remarkable."

Despite Devore's penchant for hyper-criticism, his friends still enjoy his company much of the time.

"Sometimes, Dan will go on some hilarious 20-minute tirade about how much he hates Bob Costas, and you'll be in stitches," former roommate Ron Bleier said. "Those are the good times."

"He's really smart," Bleier continued, "and he'll occasionally have something interesting and illuminating to say on a subject you never really gave much thought. But mostly he just likes bitching."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close